Over the past week, I've sat down a few times to write a post, but writers block has been in full affect. For whatever reason, the words just haven't come very easily. I feel like there isn't a lot to say that hasn't already been said. I don't really know how to describe this phase. The 'why's' have subsided to just being.
Believe it or not, I've struggled a lot more today than I did on Mother's Day. Oddly enough, I'm so sad for Curtis through all this because he will simply be the very best daddy! If you've ever seen him with kids, he just comes alive. I love to watch that.
We were talking over dinner tonight and agreed that the hardest part of this wait is communion during church. I know that sounds crazy and I'll explain. We love our church! It's very rare to find a church filled with people who are real. In the church I grew up in, everyone puts on a happy face. You would never share any real struggles. No way! You just smile and pretend that all is well (I'm pretty sure Casting Crowns wrote Stained Glass Masquerade about that church). At Apostles, I love that there are actually sinners there (gasp!) in need of a Savior. It forces you into a real relationship with the Father, rather than one that is completely fake. It's hard to be fake when you have a pastor who is so humble and real.
Well, three Sundays a month we have communion and on the fourth Sunday they do baptisms. During communion, everyone goes down front and the worship team plays simply the best worship music. The hard part comes watching all the moms carrying their sweet little babies down front to take communion-- newborns to little toddlers. Every Sunday, without fail, I force back those hot tears. Some Sundays it's too much and they seem to come without an end insight.
Today, before communion I was reading Psalm 139. This psalm is not for the faint of heart.
O LORD, You have searched me
and You know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
You have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea
even there Your hand will guide me
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to You;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to You.
For you created my inmost being
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be. (Even infertility!)
How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with You. (I love that!)
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
Your adversaries misuse Your name.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against You?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
While I was reading, I was praying too. Thanking my Father who really knows me. There is nothing I can feel, think or speak that He doesn't already know. I was also thanking Him that He's always with me -- even when I try my hardest to run away -- He's still there. This is monumental! I love verse 18 that says, "When I awake, I am still with You." Just like the song goes, "O Lord, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. O Lord, You never let go. Lord You never let go of me." Isn't that awesome?! He is so steadfast.
As I've blogged, I've started back running and training for a number of upcoming races. There are a couple of songs on my ipod that I want to close with. Running has become my time of worship and prayer. It's great because there are times when I don't have words and the songs become those words of prayer.
Hosanna - by Christy Nockels... I love this song for Curtis and me for a couple of reasons. Hosanna be definition is both a shout of highest praise and a cry for salvation. I think this so often. He is worthy of all our praise, yet I feel the need for His salvation from this situation sometimes daily. The other part I really relate to is the revival she sings about. Curtis and I have walked closer with God through this, than in any other time in our life. For that, I'm forever thankful that He chose us for this time of suffering.
I see the King of Glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love
Like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am For Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
That last verse has been my hearts cry. These hard times have revealed the true nature of my sinful self and my need to be made like Him.
The last song and a recent favorite is by Phil Wickham. (Thanks Denny and Ashly for introducing me to him!) Read the lyrics...
It's falling from the clouds
A strange and lovely sound
I hear it in the thunder and rain
It's ringing in the skies
Like cannons in the night
The music of the universe plays
You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are
Beautiful and free
Song of Galaxies
It's reaching far beyond the milky way
Lets join in with the sound
C'mon let's sing it loud
As the music of the universe plays
All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours forever amen
No words could be more true! Despite my circumstances, how unlovable I am -- He is still Holy, He is still God and He is still worthy of our praise!
