This is where I am in this whole process. The "Why?" stage. I won't even list out the million why's I ponder over. Honestly, the hardest thing is knowing that God is totally capable of giving us children yet He's chosen not to at this point. Why is that?
I bought two books to read at the beach. One is When Your World Falls Apart by David Jeremiah (love him!) and one is Why? by Anne Graham Lotz. She is the daughter of Billy and Ruth Graham. Enough said, right? I love this excerpt from her book...
Why does God withhold children from godly parents and give them to a mother who would bash in their heads with a rock or drown them in a bathtub?
Why would God allow politicians, athletes and entertainers, and other celebrities to profit from their sin? And increase their profits as they openly flaunt their immorality and wickedness?
Yet God is bigger than our suffering. We can have hope as we place our trust in Him -- in His faithfulness and His ability to work out in our lives His purposes that will be for our ultimate good and His eternal glory.
I'm definitely not fully at this place. Yes, I trust that God is bigger than my suffering. However, the suffering seems rather large too. With each unwed celebrity I hear is pregnant, I think "really?". But, I know God has a plan even for that little life.
On the flip-side I really struggle with how bratty all this is and why I feel like this. After all, did He not save me from the pits of hell? Yes. Did He not seat me at His right hand and am I not a child of the King? Yes. Did He not willingly take on my sins and die a horrible death on the cross? YES!
Frankly, God doesn't owe me anything! Salvation is enough and I didn't even deserve that. It was grace that saved me. The hang up is wrestling with the desires He gave me versus the blessings He chooses to or not to bestow upon us.
I lay my 'why's?' before Your cross in worship kneeling, my mind beyond all hope, my heart beyond all feeling; and worshipping, realizing that I in knowing You, don't need to know 'why?' -- Ruth Bell Graham
This quote is my goal!
On another note, we're headed to the beach soon. I'm a little anxious about this trip. We've been so busy for the last couple of months and I've gone a really long time without dealing with all these feelings. So, I'm a little scared of all the downtime I'll have. Please pray that God will meet me there, that I'll have eyes to see what He wants to show me and ears to hear what He wants to tell me.
On happy note, I'm running again! Yay! Actually, I'm training for the Las Vegas Rock 'n' Roll Marathon and 1/2. I'm not crazy enough to run the full marathon, but I think I can do the 13.1. This has been a much needed kind of therapy! Running is good for the soul!
Also, Jake graduated from basic. Yay!! I'll post pictures soon and update you on his next steps...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Stage: Why?
Posted by sjefferson at 9:33 AM
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I know, I know, I know, and I know...as I went to bed last night asking, "Why?" Not just for myself and my stupid singleness but for you, sick friends and babies, unsaved neighbors, friends who have died that I was sure would be healed. "Why? Lord Why?"
Connie and I were talking at chapel yesterday and I asked her this question in relation to another friend's struggle. Oh how our prayers had been so fervent. She said, "We really must believe our faith is of greater worth than gold"(or I suppose anything else for that matter).
I thought, "Faith in what..what is the goal of our faith..is it healing, provision, etc..." when the same verse came to my mind and I was reminded the goal of our faith is the salvation of our souls.
Peter never minimizes the pain....he says you have suffered grief in all KINDS of trials..but they have come so your faith, of greater worth than gold, may be provided genuine and result in praise, honor, and glory on the day that Jesus Christ is revealed.
The question is why God chose sufferings as the refiner of faith....I suppose we understand it more when we see someone who seems to have no business praising God in the natural realm (sick, dying, lost a child, abused, neglected, victimized, wanting)full of the joy of the Lord. The contrast is so stark that all you can say is, "To God be the glory."
That is where my prayers are now...praying that this grief would result in praise to God - not because I have received what I want but because I have walked through it with God and am marked by His presence. Sometimes I am scared that I will make my want and idol and this will not happen...that is what I am praying with all my heart that HE will always be my one, true desire..even when I am so consumed with a desire that not having it is grieving me...
I am sorry to write a novel but I am wrestling with this right now... I always love reading your posts, they get me thinking
I continue to pray for you regularly. God brings you to mind so often.
I will pray for you while at the beach -- that it would be a refreshing time and one that you would hear mightily from God.
These are hard, hard times, I know. Struggling with God-given desires and seeing them unfulfilled month after month is hard for our human minds to reconcile.
Know that in this, He is stretching you, but that He is very near -- right next to you, even when it feels so dark.
Praying and BELIEVING with you.
I so often leave behind the questions and the whys and think...'okay, Lord. I am done with the whys. I won't ask anymore. I don't care and I can't change anything. Would I even understand the answers if you gave them to me?'
....and then, a month later or 3 months later, I am struggling again with the whys.
It is so so hard!
I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to live with the questions and wonder 'why me'?
Even though we know how much we have in Christ, we still struggle with the repercussions sin and the brokenness of the world we live in. Death, disease, and on and on and on. This world is falling apart. And we have to live here until Christ comes back.
We are going to struggle with the broken things in it until he comes back.
I do hope to encourage you that you are not alone in the whys and the feelings of unfairness.
We can rest in Jesus, even though we don't understand his ways and sometimes don't like his ways. He still loves us.
Praying for you.
I hope you are able to enjoy the beach and have a peaceful time.
love,
ebe
I know that you are not alone when you ask "Why." We all have and will continue because we are human. We don't always understand God. I am very glad that you can ask God why and know that he is always there loving you and cheering you on. Praying for you.
Great post girl!! Thank you for being so vulnerable.. sometimes its the only thing we need to do to truly glorify God.. and you are!!
On another note - I'm thinking of doing a 1/2... if you ever want to run together??!! call me
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