My Cup Runneth Over!

Oh, what a difference a year makes! I was reflecting this week about what was going on with us a year ago around Thanksgiving. This post pretty much sums it up... I was really so depressed and stuck in the saddest fog last year.

I remember typing that post, thinking to myself "I'll write that I'm thankful for this infertility, but I'll never actually feel it." Boy was I wrong! I know that sounds crazy, but I really am thankful for that time in the valley. We serve a MIGHTY God! God was so very faithful to me with His encouragement through the Word, my sweet husband, family, and fantastic friends.

I have an endless list of things I'm thankful for this year. My Father in heaven and His gift of salvation! How great is His love for me and you! His patience that endured a lot of stubborn lessons with me. His mercies in providing for us in a million ways. Lord Jesus, Your love is better than life!

My fantastic husband! I could go on and on about how blessed I am to have him. He is really the backbone of this family and I just couldn't have done this last year without him.

Obviously, I'm so thankful for my sweet baby boy squirming in my belly! I am truly overwhelmed by how much I already love him. I cannot wait for April to get here! I'm dying to snuggle him, kiss his little cheeks, stare at his sweet little face, and tell him how long I waited for him. I already feel like I'm getting to know him. I never understood when mom's talked about the bond you feel even when they're in the womb, but I totally get it now. Every morning I drink apple juice while I'm debating over breakfast and he loves it! It's like he's awake, happy and kicking. In the car, he always does tons of little kicks and punches. At night, when we watch TV he is super active and usually does a good full turn. It's crazy. We posted his little ultrasound picture on the refrigerator and I just love starring at that little profile.

This year has not been perfect, but my God has been faithful through it all!

My cup runneth over!

Happy Thanksgiving my sweet little man! Thankful just doesn't seem like enough to describe how overjoyed I am that you are here. ...your daddy too. I love all your little kicks and turns! I'm dying for daddy to be able to feel you going at it...hopefully soon. Daddy and I were being silly this morning singing Christmas songs to you and you just kicked away. I'm also excited to report that you kick wildly after I eat Willy's...which is a lot...as you know. I love you sweet baby boy and I can't wait to kiss your sweet face! So many people are praying for you and are waiting anxiously for your spring arrival. You are God's biggest blessing to us!

Awareness, Trust and Praise...

My friend Ashly just did a post about being aware. Read it if you haven’t already…great post. While I haven’t personally lost any babies, being close to two friends who have lost babies too close to their due date has made me so very aware.

However, I’m aware in a different way then she wrote about. I find that I’m more aware of the cruel realities of life. Every pregnancy doesn’t end in a living baby. Loss is real. Every couple doesn’t get the joy of conceiving their own child. Infertility is real. Some marriages do fall apart. Divorce is real.

Over the past 18 weeks of pregnancy, the Lord has really been diligent to show me a stockpile of areas of awareness where I’m simply lacking trust.

I think there is a wide-spread belief and misconception that would say, “well her prayer has been answered; now, the ‘hardship’ is over.” Yes, I was finally pregnant! But, along with that new blessing came new, harder areas of trust.

During the weeks I was so sick, I was feeling a bit guilty because I wasn't spending much time in the Word. (Frankly, I wasn't spending time doing much of anything.) But, I did spend a lot of time praying. I was reflecting one day over the requests I had. Sadly, I realized that all my requests were fear-based requests. Not that they all weren't valid things to lay before for the Lord – they were. But, it wasn't prayer. It was like a dumping ground. "...and I'm scared of this happening, so I'm praying for this..." My mind raced with fears and possible realities that brought forth new requests.

I hated that. Why didn’t I trust more fully?

Before we got pregnant, we had every genetic test done. After we got pregnant, we had the few tests that were left done. Each and every test came back negative. Yet, Wednesday morning before the ultrasound, I got so nervous that I actually got sick. I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d hear some kind of devastating news that would dash the dream of actually being able to hold this sweet miracle and take him home. Something that would lead us to say, “well, it was good while it lasted.”

Laying there, looking up at the screen at my perfectly healthy, active, sweet baby I saw specific answers to prayer. God has been abundantly faithful to me, even when I haven’t trusted, believed or rested in His shadow. I prayed to get pregnant. Done. I prayed for a boy. Done. I prayed for an active baby. Definitely DONE! I prayed for my placenta to be in the back so I could feel his movements. Done.

Hence the tears during the entire ultrasound. I left the office with a HUGE sense of peace and an equally large since of shame.

Sarah, is He not the God of the universe? The very One who creates and sustains life? …even the very life kicking, flipping and squirming around in your belly?? Is He not ultimately the One in control?

He not only heard my cries, but He faithfully answered each one and gave more that I didn’t even pray for. I’ve been feeling this active boy since almost 15 weeks…that was just an added bonus!

Why, then, do fears continue to creep in? Fears of flu, miscarriage, that loss could still very much be in the story lines for us… that things could still be too good to be true…

I despise fear!

Fears creep in because simply because I’m totally and utterly depraved, fallen, sinful – and, ultimately eternally dependant on a Sovereign God. None of these fears surprise Him. I don’t even believe He’s disappointed in this irrational behavior. After all, He created me and knew me before I was even formed – there is no element of surprise.

No, I really do believe that while these fears are completely sinful, He is still using them for His glory – to reveal a little more of Himself to me. His perfect love is still faithfully pursuing me, even when I’m not pursuing Him in return. He’s still revealing His boundless, perfect love – even when I’m frozen in fear by Satan’s lies.

The faith walk comes in when I decide what I’m going to do in those thoughts or moments of fear. How can I know Him more in this moment of anxiety? Praise. Simply being thankful – even for the fears because they drive me to Him. I must daily, momentarily renew my mind with His promises, remembering His past faithfulness and praising Him accordingly. God has been good. So very, very good. I am not meant to handle the “what if’s” in life…the future is too much to take in. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient for today and His mercies are new each morning! Praise the Lord!

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

Father, give me grace to trust You more. My head knows all these things, but I’m often too caught up in my fears to move beyond them. Help me to remember Your past faithfulness and praise You for what You are sure to do! Grow my faith during this pregnancy. I thank You that You are bigger than any of these fears, that You hold this little life in Your hands. Father, you know I long to see this sweet baby boy full-term, kicking with life and screaming loud cries of life. Lord, keep us healthy and protect us until that awesome day. I trust Your will!

It's a BOY!

Yay!! Can you believe your eyes?? We sure couldn't. Who came up with the old wife's tail of saying, "if your sick, you're having a girl"?

I cannot describe to you how surprised and elated we are that we're having a boy! Everyone kept telling us girl, so we just assumed it probably was. Certainly, we would have been equally as thrilled with a girl...don't even get me started on how people get upset with the gender baby they're having!

In the midst of our infertility, I would see pictures of Curtis as a baby and get so sad, wishing I had one of those little guys. Sitting there today in the ultrasound room, I cried throughout the 30 minute screening looking at my perfect, sweet, active boy. Why? It's just really sinking in that we're really having a baby. Plus, there were three prayer requests I prayed often before and after we got pregnant: 1. for a little Curtis 2. for an active baby in the womb 3. that my placenta would be in the back, so I could feel his little active self. Each one was answered! I've been working on a post on how the Lord has been working on my trust issues...hopefully that will come soon. God has been so faithful with even the smallest details and I have been so slow to trust. I hate that. But more on that later...

I'm totally in love with this sweet little man! He was SO active today -- rolling around, kicking, punching, doing flips. It was so awesome! Oh, and it looks like he might be a thumb sucker. He had his hands in and out of his mouth almost the whole time. Love that!

The perinatologist thinks he might be a big boy, so I'll go back at 28 weeks to size this little guy up and come up with a birth plan. This was a relief. After all, I'm only 5' 4", Curtis is 6' 2", I was 9 lbs. 6 oz. and he was nearly 9 lbs. It's that making for a large baby and uncomfortable momma!

Anyway, thanks for praying for us! It's been a great anniversary today!

The greatest love!

A captured moment of Curtis saying something completely...well, Curtis!

Today Curtis and I are celebrating three years of marriage! I can hardly believe it! It seems like just last year we got married. I have to tell you, there is something really fantastic about marrying someone you were best friends with before you dated! Curtis and I have hit a really awesome place in our marriage. Each year, I think I couldn't love him more than I do now -- and each year, I'm astonished at how deep the "roots" are growing. From the beginning, we've prayed that the Lord would bind our marriage together and He really has. God is so faithful! We really do have the greatest love...

Curtis -- I look back at pictures of us when we were just friends and I'm amazed at how far we've come. Before you came along, I couldn't imagine loving someone this much. Now, you have become such a huge part of my life, that I just couldn't imagine one aspect of it not having you! I love you with every fiber of my being and I'm so proud of you and thankful for your sacrifice and work to provide for this family! I always knew you'd be a fantastic daddy and I can't wait to tell this sweet baby so. I will love you always and forever!

Baby makes the belly grow round!

Last Monday, we went to the doctor for a routine 17-week check up. All is well! Dr. H is still really impressed with how strong the heartbeat is. It was beating around 150 to 155. Based on the heartbeat, he's still predicting a baby girl. I've only gained 3 lbs. which is to be expected since I was so sick. Just be forewarned that I may or may not post weight gain as the pregnancy progresses! ;)

I'm feeling the baby move quite a bit! It's so awesome. From the time we found out we were pregnant, I prayed for a really active baby. So I love that I felt the baby early at nearly 15 weeks! The other day at work, I felt it turn around. Crazy! One night we picked up a pizza for dinner and when Curtis got in the car it smelled so good. Right as I was smelling the pizza the baby kicked a few times like he was hungry too! So funny... In the morning, I can lay on my back and feel the outline of where the baby is. I poke around in there to say "good morning" and you can see it move out of the way. It's pretty crazy.

This little squirmy worm is going through quite a growth spurt! I actually think there is no mistaking that I'm pregnant now. At night, I really feel the muscles pulling and stretching.

Christmas comes Wednesday for us! Yay! The long-awaited ultrasound is Wednesday morning. It's already a super special day because we'll be celebrating our third anniversary, too! Here are some growing baby shots... Be sure to place your baby guess before Wednesday!

8 weeks

16 weeks

18 weeks