"Well, are ya' pregnant, honey?"

This morning, I went in for some routine lab work. When you take clomid, you have to have blood tests done on cycle day 21. For me, going to the doctor during fertility stuff is always a huge mix of emotions. On one hand, I'm excited to find out something new. On the other hand, seeing lots of pregnant bellies, happy momma's, ultrasounds pictures, and new born babies is sometimes hard. I can honestly say, I've never felt jealousy over seeing or hearing about someone being pregnant. However, some encounters are a vivid reminder of a deep longing unfulfilled...which is nearly always followed up with a bit of sadness...and maybe even a small pity party. (Just being honest...)

So, I arrived at the office right on time for my 9 a.m. appointment. The place was packed! ...with all pregnant women, two women in their 50's or 60's and me. Fun. The lady at the front desk calls me up and says quite loudly and very southern, "Say-rah Jefferson, when were you here last? We can't find your file." I walk up and say, "I was just here in December." To which she replies in the same loud tone, "Hmmm, well are ya' pregnant, honey?" In my mind were a millions thoughts: "my odds are in favor of no"..."would my being pregnant or not pregnant help you find my file"..."oh, I almost forgot -- no I'm not"..."I'm sorry, could you say that a little louder, I'm not sure the Hispanic lady could understand what insensitive information you were asking me". I gritted my teeth and said firmly, "I don't know, that's why I'm here."

I have to stop the story here. Please make a note-to-self should you encounter someone dealing/struggling (because it is a struggle) with infertility. Frankly, I think this is a good common list of rules for encountering anyone. Because unless you can read minds, you don't know what some one's history is.

1. Don't ever ask someone if they are pregnant! I know this should go without saying, but frankly -- so should this whole list -- and yet, I'm still having to write it. I'm astounded at how many people have asked me and other friends this.

2. Don't ever ask someone if they have children. Simply learn to say "tell me a little about yourself". Whatever they choose to tell, is all they want to tell at this point. I can't stand when people want you to pour out your inner most secrets, when small-talk is sufficient.

3. If you ever know in advance that someone is dealing with infertility, don't say "I heard you guys are trying to have a baby! I also heard you're having trouble getting pregnant...well, good luck with that!" True story. (You can't make this kind of stuff up.) Happened to me this month!

4. Don't ever offer advice or say "I know what you're going through" unless you have personally experienced infertility. Simply say, "I'm sorry you have to go through this. I want you to know I'm praying for you." This offends me more than anything. I want to say, "Really? You have two children and one on the way...how is your experience remotely close to 20 months of trying and still no children???" Having your faith stretched in other areas, just isn't the same. You wouldn't tell someone diagnosed with terminal cancer, "boy, I know just how you feel. I had the worst cold last month." or someone who lost their husband, "I know just how you feel. Curtis travels a few times a month." That's how it sounds when you say "I know how you feel" but you actually haven't lived it.

5. "Well, you just need to relax and de-stress -- then you'll get pregnant." Medical fact: infertility is not stress induced. It's not. It might be a very small, contributing factor -- but it is not the cause.

6. "Once you quit thinking about it, it will happen when you least expect it." Medical fact: infertility is not a state of mind. Aside from that, if not thinking about it would cause me to get pregnant I would (a.) never get pregnant because making a baby requires some thought or (b.) we would never have a baby because we're at a point in our life that we'd like to have one...so we wait in hopeful expectation.

Last, but not least...

7. "You're still young and you guys haven't been married that long." This rationale is number one most offensive to me. Would you tell a woman who lost her husband in an accident on their wedding night, "at least you weren't married long" or a mother who is to bury her baby "well, at least you didn't get to know him"?? NO! And, who are you to suggest what age and length of time a couple should wait before they try to conceive?

**Sympathizing through listening, telling them you're thinking of them and praying is often all someone needs!!**

Sorry, back to the story... After nearly an hour of waiting, they finally found my chart and called me back. I had to wait again in the hallway until the nurse was ready to do the blood work. During my wait, I heard a couple having an ultrasound. I think that is the most miraculous sound. It's the beat of life. That must be such an exhilarating moment to hear your baby's heart beating! On the outside listening in, it was the saddest sound. Every fiber of my being longs to hear the heartbeat of our babies. Right about then, another couple sits on the couch across from me beaming with excitement as they look at their numerous ultrasound pictures. It was so hard to fight back tears. Isn't it the waiting in life that's the hardest?

On a side note, I found If Ye Shall Ask by Oswald Chambers at my mom's this week. It was my grandmother's and I knew it was good if she read it. Plus, it was printed in 1948. It is the all-time best book on prayer! I'll finish with a couple of my favorite excerpts. His writings and prayers are incredibly rich.

"O Lord, this day may Thy beauty and grace and soothing peace be in and upon me, and may no wind or weather or anxiety ever touch Thy beauty and Thy peace in my life or in this place."

I love this..."Lord, our God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, of Whom Jesus is the very image, I look to Thee and make my prayer. Bless me this hour with the feeling of Thy presence and the glow of Thy nearness, for I do trust in Thee and hope only in Thee."

"Lord God Omnipotent, how my soul delights to know that Thou dost care for sparrows and numberest the hairs of our head! Lord, breathe on me till I am in the frame of mind and body to worship Thee."

My favorite so far... "O Lord, I would seek Thy face now, but what avail is my seeking if Thou revealest not Thyself? Show me Thy face, O Lord. Keep me ever seeing Thee!"

Amen! Father, keep me ever seeing Thee! My hope is in You.

Bank of Faith

It's 6:30 a.m. and I had to share a couple of things from this morning in Streams in the Desert.

"My grace is sufficient for You." 2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is great enough to meet the great things --
The crashing waves that overwhelm the soul,
The roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless,
The sudden storms beyond life's control.

His grace is great enough to meet the small things --
The little pinprick troubles that annoy,
The insect worries, buzzing and persistent,
The squeaking wheels that grate upon our joy.
Annie Johnson Flint

O people of God, be great believers! Little faith will bring your souls to heaven, but great faith will bring heaven to your souls.
Charles H. Spurgeon

There is always a large balance credited to our account in the bank of heaven. It is waiting for us to exercise our faith and draw upon it. Draw heavily on God's resources.
Streams in the Desert

How rich is Spurgeon's quote?! I think I'll reflect on that today and make a faith withdrawal!

Burn Us Up

So many things to learn from scripture! If only I would spend more time digging through the Word. I want to share quickly some things the Lord has been teaching me this week through His Word.

First, Job 2:10 "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"

Second, Isaiah 49:8 "In the time of My favor I will answer you and in the day of salvation I will help you."

Third, I was listening to a song by Shane & Shane about the story of Shadrack, Meshack and Abendigo. Their story of faith really spoke to me the other day. The take-away for me was, "will I allow God to 'burn us' in the fire of affliction? Will I give way to His desires, even when things are super uncomfortable? Will I walk through the fire with their full-faith trusting that He is able to save us from affliction?" The end of their story is comforting too, because they are confident God is able yet they say the very prayer of Jesus Christ on the cross, "not my will but Yours be done." Can I say that and actually mean it?

Finally, Sunday Dr. Youseff continued his sermon series about Freedom From Fear. Here are a couple of things I've been wrestling over the past day or so.

- Am I calling upon the Lord for daily salvation from hard times? Not to be taken from them, though that's human, but am I daily crying out for His help, His strength, His endurance OR am I struggling along in my own strength?

- Am I praying fear out and praying faith in?

- Am I learning to claim God's power in my life?

If I wasn't willing to be honest, this blog would be a total waste of time. Frankly, I have not been willing to accept trouble from God. I have sat in the corner with my eyes squinted shut, just waiting for this to be over -- like the scared disciples in the boat during that storm. He was right there with them, in the storm, and yet, they were still afraid! I'm no different. He's here with me too and yet I'm saying, "Lord, why are you sleeping?? I'm about to drown. Get up and save me!" "Praise be to the Lord, to God, our Savior, who daily bears our burdens" Ps. 68:19 I'm not alone and He's not sleeping.

I have not consistently sought the Lord's hand, to learn from these trials. I have not been willing to be burned in the furnace of God's desire. Sure, I have prayed that with pretty words, but I haven't always meant it.

Why am I doing this? Why am I choosing to live a sub-par life? Because of the cross, I was not left alone, to struggle through life alone, in my own strength. I was created for greatness! I can do all things, including infertility, through Christ who gives me strength. I know this in my head and even my heart, but I have failed to be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit and actually live it. I haven't called upon Him daily to be my strength, be my portion, to give me eyes to see and then do His will.

I am not consistently praying faith in. Sure, here and there but not daily -- even on a good day! I have prayed with the underlying thought, "well, I walk through it when I get enough faith." But faith only comes after I'm willing to take the first step.

I'm not sure why I'm posting all this. It's definitely not for sympathy. I guess just to vent. Regardless, I need to step it up. I need to be on my knees seeking the Lord's will, strength and endurance -- without ceasing, on good and bad days.

Father, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. I feel like Job, going on this past week about how I've been held-out on. Yet, just like Job, I am not all-knowing. I am not the creator and sustainer of life. Your word tells us in Ps. 77, 'Your ways are Holy God; what god is as great as our God? You are the One who performs miracles; You display Your power among the people.' Forgive me for demanding my ways, in my timing, in my plan. How could I possibly know what's best for me? I'm embarrassed to see that I have only been willing to accept the good and not also the troubles. Have I not learned that no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but later produces a harvest of righteousness? Help me to welcome hardship, knowing righteousness is on the other side. Help me to remember Your words, 'never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'. Father, I can't lie. I, like Hannah, desire a child that I might give him to the Lord. Lord, I know nothing is impossible with You. I trust You. I trust Your time and Your favor. Nothing good do you withhold from those whose walk is blameless. So cause me to walk blamelessly. I pray all this through the power of Your Holy name!

Contentment

It's 6:45 a.m. and I'm up getting ready for work. Sigh. I was doing my quiet time this morning and the Lord gave me the most profound word. I was reading this sheet a friend sent to me, "the ABC's in scripture for infertility". For the letter "G" I read this...

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." 1Timothy 6:6

I don't have any profound words here because this verse is so powerful and, honestly, holds a wealth of truth. At first I am tempted to say, "well, godliness and great gain is in fact unattainable if contentment is part of the equation". Yet, I am reminded of Paul, also a sinner saved by grace, who said:

11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

Father, what a word! I feel speechless. This verse leaves brings so many areas of my life to conviction. Father, all I can ask is that You take it beyond conviction to a point of change. Cause me to be content in all things...my thanks-giving prayer at thanksgiving. Change me like You changed Paul... a road-to-Damascus kind of change, so that I too can say 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances'! Thank You for showing Yourself this morning!

Waiting

Over the last year or so, I've really been blessed by some blogs that I follow. One of which is "Keeping Awake". If you do not follow this blog, you should. I don't know Boothe personally, but I see in her writings her enormous faith through tough circumstances...and she is fabulous writer!

I got home from a long day at work and read this post. I had to copy part of her post and share it because it was as if she had a window to my heart...especially this week.

"The heaviness of my present sorrow is so much that i often cannot face it. ... Father God, if prayers on paper - prayers spoken by footsteps and heartbeats and each and every breath - are enough, why? How much longer? I beg You, I beseech You, I cast myself and my anguish before You - Lord, please, grant me this request. Fill my womb with life as You once did. As David said, 'Bless me for as long as You have afflicted me'. Where are You, Lord? Why is what i pray so earnestly for so seemingly off Your radar? Hear me. Please, God. Please. Show Yourself as real and loving and gracious and just. Quench my thirst and satisfy my soul. Lift my weary heart and anoint me with Your favor."

I cried tonight reading this entry. The sorrow of longing for a child is so heavy that some days it's too much. This morning, I was in bed repeating, begging really, in prayer Genesis 1:22 "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth...Lord, this is Your command and yet You also know this is the very longing of my heart. You created me for this. Father, grant me this longing. The wait is too much. I need to see You at work in these circumstances...to feel Your presence...to understand the delay. Reveal Yourself and Your plan."

Another blogging friend and sister in Christ, Becca, sent me this poem. I want to close with it because it is a great illustration of our Sovereign, Merciful God! My God is good, even in the waiting.

Wait
By Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again,
"Wait."So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Worry Day

For whatever reason, I'm having a "worry day". I suppose Satan has clocked in already. It just kind of crept in today and I've really been fighting hard to reign in my wondering thoughts of worry.

A few weeks ago, I bought spiral-bound index cards with the intentions of writing my favorite verses down for days just like these. It has sat empty, until this morning I began to fill it with some of my favorite verses. I wanted to share a few from today that really spoke peace to me.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:22-26

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You." Psalm 33:20-22

"Don't be afraid, just believe." Luke 8:50

Father, I feel anxious today...like the circumstances are getting bigger and pushing in on all sides. I absolutely hate feeling like this. Calm my thoughts and help me to focus on You, Father. Only You can take this worry and 'what if's' away. I freely give them to you this morning. You are my portion and my cup -- help me to wait better. Father, help me to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit today, everywhere I go. Lord, thank You that Your compassion's never fail and Your mercies are new each morning! Great is Your faithfulness! Help me believe; stretch my faith. My hope is in You.

Heart Day!

I have the sweetest Valentine! Valentine's Day is not a huge deal to me. However, Curtis got up while I was sleeping and surprised me with breakfast and an orchid. Scary. It's beautiful, but I'm scared I'll kill it.

Saturday night we went to eat at Colin and Christie's house. Colin grilled a leg of lamb...YUMMY! I had never had it before and it is super yummy!

Stole this from my friend Laura's blog...

Five things I love about my Valentine:
1. That we were such great friends before we dated
2. He can always make me laugh!
3. He is super laid-back...a great combo for this super scheduled, OCD gal
4. He has such a tender heart and pursued me soooo hard! (It's a miracle he didn't give up!...I actually thanked him for persevering on Valentine's. Ha!)
5. He's going to be the best dad!

Speaking of... I need to have one of these!!
















Is that the cutest face or what? Curtis was the cutest baby!



















...how funny is his hair, and little Nike's too!















So stinkin' cute!

Jake's Going-Away Party

Last weekend, Curtis and I hosted a big send-off party for Jake and his crew. It was so much fun! Curtis and Jake had some of the same friends in college and we hadn't seen them since our wedding. It was great to grill out and just catch up.

















Me, Jake and Curtis
















Jake, Kirk and Curtis...boy, the stories these three can tell! Fun times!

Emily, Jake and Brit. Emily and Brit came after getting engaged the night before. Congratulations to them!! We're SO happy! Brit, hang on tight to this girl!!...she might be the best thing that's ever happened to you! ;)

Sunday, we had a family get-together at mom's. It was fun to be with the family, including Jake's kiddos. As the day wore on, I started getting super sad. Before we left, we all gathered around and prayed for Jake...and that's about the time I lost it. I cried during the prayer, after and the whole way home....and about an hour after we got home. I'm so, so happy for him, but so sad that he'll never live here again. He'll always live away and we just won't be able to see each other much anymore. Sad.

Jake and I have always been super close. Growing up, we were the best of friends. When weren't as close when I lived in Orlando and Charlotte, sadly because of my travel schedule. However, I could always count on him. Lord, only knows how many times he moved me! Jake is a lot of fun to be around, but has a super sensitive side too. I really admire him. Not because he's made the best decisions in life, but simply because he's my brother. Might not make since, but I couldn't have be given a better brother. I would love it if our kids were as close and had as great of memories as we have!

We've since heard from Jake and he's loving boot camp (crazy, huh?) and doing great! I would love continued prayer for him though...

Enjoy the trip down memory lane!

In '06 at Curtis' surprise party.

London trip in '96. We roomed together and seriously had the funniest time!

Buddies during the horrible homeschooling years (only two, but two too long... Don't ever home school!) What is going on with my bangs? Lord have mercy!

Christmas '87...Jake loved karate! How funny are the karate pj's? Good thing he doesn't live close...he would kill me for putting these up.

Ha...Easter '84. We look like T-R-O-U-B-L-E!

Easter egg hunt '84. I had to include this picture to illustrate that Jake wore camo with anything and everything. I think we've both got the fake smile down pat here!

Powder Springs Soccer team in '83. Dad coached us and I turned cartwheels throughout the entire game and even managed to score once...in the wrong goal. I'm actually wearing Cabbage Patch Velcro shoes. Classic.

Last but not least, our favorite thing ever...playing in the little Smurf pool. Fun times!

Finding Hope in The Gap

Have I posted about work before? I don't' think so... Honestly, I could go on and on about the people I encounter on a daily basis at work, but I'll save it for now...I'm certain it would make a best seller one day.

Almost a year ago, I decided to get a part-time job at The Gap. Over a matter of about four months, they asked me to be a part-time manager. The "customer experience expert", if you will. I was reluctant at first, but I seriously love this job now!

Dealing with the public is never dull. You see everything and for the starring/people watching fanatic in me it's continual entertainment. For some reason, most people check their common sense at the door when they shop...and work there for that matter. :) Anyway, occasionally you find a glimmer of hope. This happened to me on Tuesday!

I was floating through the store and happened to be in baby. The sweetest mom was there and asking questions about clothes for her little boy. Eventually, the inevitable question came up, "so, how many kids do you have?" To which I sighed and replied, "none yet." She says, "Don't wait! Just dive in...you'll love it." Sighing again, I said, "well, we've been trying for a year and half now..." Normally, this is when I either get upset or mad that people don't have enough common sense to not say these types of things. But I didn't. Her face brightened as she said, "do you know that I didn't even want children for 10 years, then God just changed my heart. At that point, we had trouble conceiving." She went on to tell me out this book the I had to get (I'll reference that at the end). I get this kind of advice all-the-time. But this day was different. She was literally tearing up talking about how the book changed her life, what God taught her and her husband through the wait and how very much she loved her two blessings.

What really struck me about this conversation was not only her willingness to share her hurts of waiting for children, but also her eagerness to bare our infertility burdens and pray for us by name. She was so sincere in her encouragement. How sweet is my God? After committing my fears to Him Sunday, He sent me this sweet sister in Christ to encourage me in a new way.

I am so blessed. I have great friends who are sincerely interceding for us for the blessing of a child and I'm speechlessly thankful. Some I didn't even know until reading their blog, but they've taken the time to invest in me and send me encouragement through scripture, literature and their notes on our blog or through email. Dr. Youseff even made a point to tell Dad this week that he's praying for us by name. I'm sorry, who's praying for what? How awesome is my God to not leave us here, but to show us bits and pieces of His love through His servants...and I can't help but feel closer to Him!

Friends, this is the body of Christ! We need more baring with one another and interceding on behalf of their needs and hurts. I pray that I can be the same friend in return. This is God at work and I love it.

I bought the book that day at Barnes & Noble and can't put it down! Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. If you are trying to conceive or trying not to conceive...you MUST read this book. Seriously, life-changing! My eyes are totally opened to this awesome creation called the woman's body. Who knew? God made us so intricately and I didn't even know the half of it. Honestly, great for trying to get pregnant, but also great if you prefer not to use birth control and don't want any kiddos.

Hurry! Run out and get your copy today!

Freedom From Fear?

The Holy Spirit was alive and well today at church! When Dr. Youseff got on stage and I saw the title of the message "Freedom From Fear" I gulped, as if to hear God clearing His throat to get my attention and further insinuating "this one is for you". Fear is such a struggle of mine! I have "what if" fears all the time. "What if Curtis died? What if our house burnt down? What if we never have children?" Not healthy.

Is there such a thing? Can we really live a life free of the everyday fears? In a society of "self-help", "do-it-yourself", "name-it-and-claim-it", "determine your own destiny", "control your fate", "get happy", "be free", "live well" mottos, I would say no.

You cannot, in and of your fallen, sinful flesh, be free of something that comes with this body. I believe we serve a Sovereign God who is in control of all things. Don't get me wrong, we're not puppets -- there is definitely free will. Yet, nothing happens to us that is out of God's control. So, no, I do not think we can overcome fear on our own. That would just be playing tricks on ourselves.

BUT, because we serve a mighty God, He can overcome our fears for us! Through the work of the cross, we have nothing to fear!

I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Ps. 34:4

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. Is. 12:2

Dr. Youseff said, "when you fear you have lost confidence in the God who loves you! Fear is to Satan what faith is to God. Yet, faith will conquer fear every time!"

A loss of confidence with God? But it's true! Fellow believers, think it through. He has redeemed us, delivered us from eternal death, called us by name -- we are HIS! He cares for us, out of no merit of our own. He has our best interest at heart!

So, I'm choosing faith. I choose to trust Him. I look at all the blessings He has poured out on me and my cup is overflowing! Sure, I could think of things I want, but all my needs have been met! Every need. How could I not trust Him? How could I not trust the very God of creation with also blessing us with a child, in His perfect time?

I'm not totally naive. I know that fears will still creep in. This is a moment-by-moment, daily, weekly, monthly...commitment. And last night as I laid in bed, I made a point to think of all my reoccurring fears. With each fear I repeated Luke 8:50, "Do not be afraid; just believe". It was so powerful! I could feel the fear wash away. So, to this verse I will cling..."Do not be afraid; just believe."

Lord Jesus, continue to bring Your sweet words back to my mind when fear creeps in. 'Do not be afraid; just believe.' Father, I want to believe -- help my unbelief! Thank You that You can overcome my fears -- and You will. Help me to release the grip and take my eyes off the circumstances and look to You -- the author and finisher of the faith. Father, I trust Your perfect plan to bring babies to me and my dear friends in Your perfect time. Thank You for never leaving us. Help us to sense Your presence today. Increase our faith! Our hope is in You.

Army Strong!

Big news...my brother Jake has enlisted in the Army full-time and is shipping out to boot camp on February 10. This was a decision he came to on his own and I'm super proud of him. He not only enlisted, but plans to make a career of it. I think deciding to do this after a career will give him a deeper appreciation for it and ultimately cause him to be more devoted to his job.

This really didn't surprise me when he told us because growing up, Jake lived in camo! He loved camo pants and shorts. His sheets were even camo! I'm pretty sure he had every GI Joe ever made and he could make the best gun sounds! I used to say, "make your machiene gun noise!!" and laugh when he would. (We were easily entertained then...)

Jake and I are only two and half years apart and grew up the best of friends. Today, we're still very close and even have overlapping friends. I'm so happy for him, but sad that he won't be around.

Jake, I know you'll be an awesome in the Army Infantry! I'm praying and trusting that God is going to teach new and exciting things about you, Him and how much He loves and cares for you. Curtis and I are so proud and we'll be praying so very hard for you in the coming weeks! You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!!

**News and Prayer Update**

Well, I spoke with Jackie from Cigna and they are not going to pay for the HSG, like they said they would. For whatever reason, I'm not really upset about this. She did acknowledge that the notes on my account did say that they advised me that it would in fact be covered. So, she suggested that we go through the formal appeals process -- and we will. We're obviously praying that everything is covered, but if it isn't I know God will provide. Good news is that the appeals process has to be done in writing! Perfect. I can best express things through writing.

In other news, I am soon to start three months of clomid. I charted for two months and just as I suspected, I ovulate some months and not others. I have some mixed emotions about being on it. I want to because it will make my body do was it's supposed to. However, I was on this one month in January of '08 and had the worst hot flashes at night. I literally got about three or four hours of sleep a night. Not good for someone who gets about eight to ten a night. But, I'll take the good with the bad.

I have recently been battling with a bit of a negative attitude in prayer. Meaning, sometimes when I pray about the clomid working and God bringing us a baby I immediately think "even if it works I'm sure we won't get pregnant." This is a bad thing to do and I hate this about me! I need to believe that God is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine! But, this is an act of the will. Faith is a choice...that frankly I'm not always choosing.

Ashly and I recently met up with her friend Becca for lunch and talked about this very thing. I found Becca through Ashly's blog and was totally blessed by her story, the fact that she was real and ultimately her faith. I told Ashly how blessed I was by it and that I would love to meet up with her at some point. She too has experienced infertility first hand and it was a blessing to sit and talk to her. She gave the best medical advice, but what was more encouraging was her cheering us on to bigger faith! She said with every bit of bad or sobering news (like "you'll never get pregnant" or "even if you do, you won't make it full-term") from their doctors she would say "No, I serve a mighty God and He can do this!" Wow! But she agreed this was a choice. So faith I will choose!

If you too are experiencing infertility, it is so good to talk to others who are going through it. She also brought her sweet blessing, Grant. This was super comforting to hold a physical blessing from God! This baby defied all the odds and is such a witness to God's power. Thanks Becca for meeting up with us!

**By the way, scroll down and see our finished Vegas post.**