Heights Exceeding The Depths

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in You, my Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. You Sovereign Lord, are my strength; You make my feet like the feet of a deer, You enable me to go on the heights. (Hab. 3:17-19) Father, how inconceivable but true that you can take me to heights far exceeding the depths I have known.
-Beth Moore Praying God's Word

How rich is that?!

Heights higher than the depths I have known. Can you imagine?? If for no other reason, I cling to this faith to see those heights higher than any depth I've ever known. Come quickly Lord!

This has been an interesting few weeks for me. My infertility friends and well anyone who has experienced loss, understand what I mean when I say 'it's a monumental-event-mourning'. Meaning, another event where I thought a sweet baby would be. Another time I, full of hope, looked forward and dreamed of a big belly or pictures with a sweet smelling blessing that was a perfect resemblance of Curtis as a baby.

You see, on the 21st I will turn 29. Just typing that out seems incredible! Where has time gone? Never, in a million years, would I have guessed I would see 29 without one pregnancy. And before you type "Sarah you're still young! There is still time!" understand that I'm aware that 29 is not old and please understand you won't be the first to tell me that horrible piece of "encouragement". The age is not the issue. It's the wait.

I think David perfectly illustrates this in Psalm 69:1-3

Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

In all honesty, this month hoping to be pregnant seemed/seems hopeless. In the midst of that hopelessness, I was planning an event for work to benefit Cobb Street Ministries. The founder made the most profound statement and I knew it was a word from God. She said (referring to a time years earlier) that she knew she had made her plans and asked God to bless them -- rather than praying "Lord, what would You have us do? What is Your will?"

This was an "uh oh" moment for me. Hello? Hear my prayers I've been selfishly praying, "Lord, we desire a child. Please grant this desire of our hearts!" That moment I prayed, "Lord forgive me for not dying to self. Yes, these are my desires -- desires You made within me. Yet -- what would YOUR will for my life be? Reveal those plans to me. I desire to be used by You."

Just like the Lord's prayer says, "...THY will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread..." As a believer, it's now about His will. His desires. And quite frankly, a baby -- at this point -- is not the daily bread I need. It's the daily bread I want, but obviously not what He sees I need.

Back to the top from Beth Moore's book... Have you thought that through? What is your fig tree? What is your empty grape vine? Mine is barrenness. Yours might be your bank account, your marriage, your job (my job too). It could be any number of things.

In this life, we will have troubles. Jesus so graciously forewarns us of that in John. Yet in Isaiah He promises, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, Your God, the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior."

He is my God. My Savior...in whom I trust. In whom I place my burdens and my hope. Let that sink in. My Savior!!

Father, though the fig tree does not bud... though this body does not hold life -- I will rejoice in You, my Lord, my Savior! You are the One, true, holy God. All-powerful, all-knowing. Reveal Your will for my life, for the lives of those who read this. Father, I have desires. Real desires that are from You. Pleasing in Your sight desires. Desires You say are a heritage from You. Yet, I recognize that this may not be part of the plan You have for my life. So Lord, I long to know the desires You have for my life. The plans You made for me before I was even a thought. I desire to walk in Your way, to be a blessing -- and to be a mother. To feel life, one crafted perfectly by You, in me. Lord, my hope is You. You tell me in Your word that hope does not disappoint because God poured out His love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Show me Lord. I feel idle. I want to be Your hands and feet now. Give me eyes to see and feet to walk in Your will. Amen.