Taking hold of that for which Christ took hold of me...

During this struggle to become pregnant, find out why we haven't yet and get on the road to possible conception, I can honestly say (by God's grace) that I have consistently tried to find the 'reason' for this present pain. My attitude might not have been right, but I strived towards it never the less. I'm not talking about chasing after the 'why's' because I have realized more completely that God is God and the why's simply are due me. What I'm talking about is more of the lesson or concept He is trying to teach me. How is He trying to refine me? What key is He trying to get me to take hold of?

Let me assure you, I've read tons of Christian books, listened to countless sermons, searched the scriptures digging for what it was specifically that He wanted me to take hold of. While they have all helped, nothing came through as "this is it!"...until two Sundays ago.

Joy! Not to be mistaken with happiness. No. My 'key' to survival is going to being joy -- His joy!

The other night, I could not sleep. I got up, went downstairs and spent the next hour or so reading and re-reading Philippians. During that time, the word came alive. The Holy Spirit spoke through those passages so plainly! It was amazing!

I have to tell you, I have experienced peace unexplainable over these last couple of weeks. Nothing has changed by way of our infertility 'news'. What has changed, however, is my outlook.

I used to read Philippians 4:12-13, ...

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

...and think, Paul is not human. Yes, he suffered but content in all things?? Not possible.

Now, however, I seem to be getting it. It's like the light finally came on. I hear what you might be thinking, "maybe this struggle wasn't that hard after all" or "see, you just needed to relax and trust God".

No friends. This struggle is as hard as it's ever been. Need I remind you that in November we will clinically have been trying to have a baby for 3 l-o-n-g, HARD, trying years? Need I remind you that if, like most couples, we got pregnant within 8 months of trying we would have a two year old? That's crazy talk and nearly impossible to wrap my head around.

I honestly believe that infertility and the loss of a child has to be the heaviest burden! Proverbs 13:12 explains it better than I could. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled in a tree of life." It's heart sick.

The difference is that I realize now more than ever, when I surrendered my life to Christ -- whether I realized it or not -- I also surrendered my plans, my dreams, my hopes, my comfort zone, my striving for things my way, my opinion, my desire to 'help' God accomplish my will for my life. It's simply not about me anymore! It's His plans, His purposes, His desires, His glory. Sure, I can try to take hold of those things again -- which I sadly do on a regular basis -- but it's all for nothing. That 'old me' is gone and the sooner I get on-board with God's plan the better!

It's Philippians 1:6 alive and well..."He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ." Have you wondered what that means exactly? When you surrendered your life to the Lord, He has been refining you and making you more like Him.

The bottom line is that I'm telling you flat out that I now have joy in this journey. No, I'm not happy. I'm joyful. Why? Because I've been broken and allowed to finally see all the ways He is alive and dwelling within me. I look back and see His faithfulness. He has bound our marriage together with His love and bonded us closer than we ever have been in all these years.

This treacherous road, at times, has, as Paul wrote, in Phil. 1:12 "has really served to advance the gospel." At least in my life and my marriage. The joy is abounding in seeing that God is good despite my trials. And, His plan will always end better than mine.

So I have to ask you, friend, do you have this joy? Is He alive and well, dwelling in you and faithfully completing the work He started in you so long ago? Can you look back and see His past faithfulness and rejoice for His presence in the pain? I'm not talking about rejoicing for the pain. Who could do that? Not even Jesus rejoiced to be crucified. What He did do was rejoice in submitting to His Father's will. Obedience at any cost.

If this is not in you, I am telling you that this joy can be yours if you'll surrender to His calling on your life. Having a baby is my Issac that He's calling me to sacrifice. Will He spare this longing? I don't know. I pray so.

Regardless, I am strongly intrigued to know this God whose perfect love says no. To "take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me". Are you following me? His love has never let go -- regardless of my actions -- His love has and will endure. But His love has also said no and yet, it's still perfect. I want to take hold of that and really know it.

If you are reading this blog and you are in the throws of a trial, I want to pray for you by name that your joy my be made complete in Him. You can share by commenting or emailing me (sarah.jefferson@comcast.net) or you can simply leave your name. Please allow me the pleasure of interceding for you! You don't have to register to post a comment. Just leave your name and/or your specifics and choose the anonymous option.

This joy is, in fact, contagious and I have to pass it on to you!!