Awareness, Trust and Praise...

My friend Ashly just did a post about being aware. Read it if you haven’t already…great post. While I haven’t personally lost any babies, being close to two friends who have lost babies too close to their due date has made me so very aware.

However, I’m aware in a different way then she wrote about. I find that I’m more aware of the cruel realities of life. Every pregnancy doesn’t end in a living baby. Loss is real. Every couple doesn’t get the joy of conceiving their own child. Infertility is real. Some marriages do fall apart. Divorce is real.

Over the past 18 weeks of pregnancy, the Lord has really been diligent to show me a stockpile of areas of awareness where I’m simply lacking trust.

I think there is a wide-spread belief and misconception that would say, “well her prayer has been answered; now, the ‘hardship’ is over.” Yes, I was finally pregnant! But, along with that new blessing came new, harder areas of trust.

During the weeks I was so sick, I was feeling a bit guilty because I wasn't spending much time in the Word. (Frankly, I wasn't spending time doing much of anything.) But, I did spend a lot of time praying. I was reflecting one day over the requests I had. Sadly, I realized that all my requests were fear-based requests. Not that they all weren't valid things to lay before for the Lord – they were. But, it wasn't prayer. It was like a dumping ground. "...and I'm scared of this happening, so I'm praying for this..." My mind raced with fears and possible realities that brought forth new requests.

I hated that. Why didn’t I trust more fully?

Before we got pregnant, we had every genetic test done. After we got pregnant, we had the few tests that were left done. Each and every test came back negative. Yet, Wednesday morning before the ultrasound, I got so nervous that I actually got sick. I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d hear some kind of devastating news that would dash the dream of actually being able to hold this sweet miracle and take him home. Something that would lead us to say, “well, it was good while it lasted.”

Laying there, looking up at the screen at my perfectly healthy, active, sweet baby I saw specific answers to prayer. God has been abundantly faithful to me, even when I haven’t trusted, believed or rested in His shadow. I prayed to get pregnant. Done. I prayed for a boy. Done. I prayed for an active baby. Definitely DONE! I prayed for my placenta to be in the back so I could feel his movements. Done.

Hence the tears during the entire ultrasound. I left the office with a HUGE sense of peace and an equally large since of shame.

Sarah, is He not the God of the universe? The very One who creates and sustains life? …even the very life kicking, flipping and squirming around in your belly?? Is He not ultimately the One in control?

He not only heard my cries, but He faithfully answered each one and gave more that I didn’t even pray for. I’ve been feeling this active boy since almost 15 weeks…that was just an added bonus!

Why, then, do fears continue to creep in? Fears of flu, miscarriage, that loss could still very much be in the story lines for us… that things could still be too good to be true…

I despise fear!

Fears creep in because simply because I’m totally and utterly depraved, fallen, sinful – and, ultimately eternally dependant on a Sovereign God. None of these fears surprise Him. I don’t even believe He’s disappointed in this irrational behavior. After all, He created me and knew me before I was even formed – there is no element of surprise.

No, I really do believe that while these fears are completely sinful, He is still using them for His glory – to reveal a little more of Himself to me. His perfect love is still faithfully pursuing me, even when I’m not pursuing Him in return. He’s still revealing His boundless, perfect love – even when I’m frozen in fear by Satan’s lies.

The faith walk comes in when I decide what I’m going to do in those thoughts or moments of fear. How can I know Him more in this moment of anxiety? Praise. Simply being thankful – even for the fears because they drive me to Him. I must daily, momentarily renew my mind with His promises, remembering His past faithfulness and praising Him accordingly. God has been good. So very, very good. I am not meant to handle the “what if’s” in life…the future is too much to take in. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient for today and His mercies are new each morning! Praise the Lord!

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

Father, give me grace to trust You more. My head knows all these things, but I’m often too caught up in my fears to move beyond them. Help me to remember Your past faithfulness and praise You for what You are sure to do! Grow my faith during this pregnancy. I thank You that You are bigger than any of these fears, that You hold this little life in Your hands. Father, you know I long to see this sweet baby boy full-term, kicking with life and screaming loud cries of life. Lord, keep us healthy and protect us until that awesome day. I trust Your will!