Little SUV's

Recently, I had the opportunity to go back to my old work to celebrate my friend's sweet baby girl. We both went through infertility and they were blessed to make a local (within the U.S.) adoption. Thinking about returning to that office had me both excited and slightly nervous. I couldn't really understand why I was feeling this way until I left the shower.


You see, I worked very, very hard in college to get a job in sports public relations. I used to always say, "I'm single, I want to see more of the U.S., so why not get paid to do it." I went to school full-time and worked internships full-time my last three years of college. Once I was out of school, I moved to Orlando. Then, off to Charlotte to chase this elusive dream. I traveled nearly 35 weekends a year. In an effort to be closer to home and not travel as much, I moved back to Atlanta. This particular Atlanta sports agency was a major eye-opening experience. But not in the way I thought it would be. Sure, I was used to working 60, 70 hour weeks -- that was a given. What I didn't expect was how unaccommodating this career was to family. I mean, looking back, what did I expect?!


I literally lived and died by my blackberry. If someone needed something for the client or athlete I represented, I dropped everything no matter where I was or what time it was. This was the scope of work. I worked all the time. I even went into work on Sunday (cringe) before church and even sometimes after Sunday lunch! During the dream chase, I had slowly allowed my stupid little job title to define me. It was vanity and conceit at it's finest!


I didn't just chase this dream, I actually achieved it. I worked for clients and athletes in nearly every sport. People lit up to hear what I did for a living and that fed my worldly ego. Thing was, I started dating Curtis and realized that this wasn't exactly conducive to having a personal life. And at the core, I always wanted to be a wife and mom! Always. So, that, coupled with a lot of stress-induced (go figure) sicknesses, I quit before we got married.


Suddenly, that defining title was gone. I was just the stay-at-home wife...that over time couldn't get pregnant. Now, that title will gather some looks! Boy, the Lord did a long and mighty work to get me over my pride. Wow! If I ran into people, I couldn't rest just saying I didn't work. I wanted and needed people to know I had done something with my life. So very shallow, but it was true.


As I walked into the conference room for the shower with my cute, sweet Grey, I was never more proud to be a mom! Everyone was shocked to see me and my little guy in tow. He smiled so big and acted cute and bashful, flirting with the people there. It was a proud mommy moment!


I met a lot of people who had joined the agency since I left. Two girls made a lasting impression on me. Honestly, I believe I'll remember this encounter the rest of my life. I asked one of the girls if she had any babies yet. Frankly, I'm not even sure why that came out because I hated when people asked me that. Anyway, it did. She replied almost insulted, "uh no! Not doing 'the baby thing' for a while." The other girl chimed in, "I can just see you now in your little SUV." "Oh God, no!" she replied.


Really?? I just wanted to head on out and CLIMB IN MY LITTLE SUV! (Deep breath.) I didn't of course. I stayed for my friend.


But when it was over, I went out to my LITTLE SUV to BREAST FEED (ahhhh!) Grey in the car. A million thoughts swirled in my mind. Some insecurities, anger, bitterness, but mainly I thanked God for that conversation. I was never more grateful to be a stay at home mom in my life!! I was never more thankful for a husband who works so hard to allow me to be with Grey. I am blessed and thankful! I looked Grey is the eyes and said, "I wouldn't trade you for a minute of doing that again!" He gratefully smiled big and replied, "ah goo!" ...words that melt a momma's heart!

You see before that, I wasn't completely comfortable with not working. After all, I worked SO hard to achieve that job. No, I couldn't imagine life without Grey or missing one moment with him if he had to go to daycare -- but there was still a bit a guilt that I was not financially contributing. Now, however, I look and see how far the Lord has brought me, how hard He worked to teach me that my identity is found in Him and that through the pain of not working, pride-swallowing infertility, He grounded me in Him.


Ann Graham Lotz wrote a book on Isaiah's encounter with the living God and it is rightfully entitled, "I saw the Lord!".


Friends, I'm not entirely sure why I've written this long post other than to say, "I've seen the Lord and I wouldn't change a thing!" Whether you're working or not, is not the point of this post. The point is, where ever the Lord has you, whatever you are going through SEEK HIM! Look for Him in the pain, in the loneliness, in the quiet, sad, insecure moments. What you'll find in Him will cause you to look back at your valley with such a full heart of gratefulness!


I can see that I needed the time from when I quit to the time they placed my sweet Grey in my arms to know the One, True, Living God! If you're working and want to be home, if you want babies, if you need a job, a friend, a husband -- seek the Lord! There's something to learn where you are...even if it's just that little SUV's aren't so bad after all!