Taking hold of that for which Christ took hold of me...

During this struggle to become pregnant, find out why we haven't yet and get on the road to possible conception, I can honestly say (by God's grace) that I have consistently tried to find the 'reason' for this present pain. My attitude might not have been right, but I strived towards it never the less. I'm not talking about chasing after the 'why's' because I have realized more completely that God is God and the why's simply are due me. What I'm talking about is more of the lesson or concept He is trying to teach me. How is He trying to refine me? What key is He trying to get me to take hold of?

Let me assure you, I've read tons of Christian books, listened to countless sermons, searched the scriptures digging for what it was specifically that He wanted me to take hold of. While they have all helped, nothing came through as "this is it!"...until two Sundays ago.

Joy! Not to be mistaken with happiness. No. My 'key' to survival is going to being joy -- His joy!

The other night, I could not sleep. I got up, went downstairs and spent the next hour or so reading and re-reading Philippians. During that time, the word came alive. The Holy Spirit spoke through those passages so plainly! It was amazing!

I have to tell you, I have experienced peace unexplainable over these last couple of weeks. Nothing has changed by way of our infertility 'news'. What has changed, however, is my outlook.

I used to read Philippians 4:12-13, ...

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

...and think, Paul is not human. Yes, he suffered but content in all things?? Not possible.

Now, however, I seem to be getting it. It's like the light finally came on. I hear what you might be thinking, "maybe this struggle wasn't that hard after all" or "see, you just needed to relax and trust God".

No friends. This struggle is as hard as it's ever been. Need I remind you that in November we will clinically have been trying to have a baby for 3 l-o-n-g, HARD, trying years? Need I remind you that if, like most couples, we got pregnant within 8 months of trying we would have a two year old? That's crazy talk and nearly impossible to wrap my head around.

I honestly believe that infertility and the loss of a child has to be the heaviest burden! Proverbs 13:12 explains it better than I could. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled in a tree of life." It's heart sick.

The difference is that I realize now more than ever, when I surrendered my life to Christ -- whether I realized it or not -- I also surrendered my plans, my dreams, my hopes, my comfort zone, my striving for things my way, my opinion, my desire to 'help' God accomplish my will for my life. It's simply not about me anymore! It's His plans, His purposes, His desires, His glory. Sure, I can try to take hold of those things again -- which I sadly do on a regular basis -- but it's all for nothing. That 'old me' is gone and the sooner I get on-board with God's plan the better!

It's Philippians 1:6 alive and well..."He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ." Have you wondered what that means exactly? When you surrendered your life to the Lord, He has been refining you and making you more like Him.

The bottom line is that I'm telling you flat out that I now have joy in this journey. No, I'm not happy. I'm joyful. Why? Because I've been broken and allowed to finally see all the ways He is alive and dwelling within me. I look back and see His faithfulness. He has bound our marriage together with His love and bonded us closer than we ever have been in all these years.

This treacherous road, at times, has, as Paul wrote, in Phil. 1:12 "has really served to advance the gospel." At least in my life and my marriage. The joy is abounding in seeing that God is good despite my trials. And, His plan will always end better than mine.

So I have to ask you, friend, do you have this joy? Is He alive and well, dwelling in you and faithfully completing the work He started in you so long ago? Can you look back and see His past faithfulness and rejoice for His presence in the pain? I'm not talking about rejoicing for the pain. Who could do that? Not even Jesus rejoiced to be crucified. What He did do was rejoice in submitting to His Father's will. Obedience at any cost.

If this is not in you, I am telling you that this joy can be yours if you'll surrender to His calling on your life. Having a baby is my Issac that He's calling me to sacrifice. Will He spare this longing? I don't know. I pray so.

Regardless, I am strongly intrigued to know this God whose perfect love says no. To "take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me". Are you following me? His love has never let go -- regardless of my actions -- His love has and will endure. But His love has also said no and yet, it's still perfect. I want to take hold of that and really know it.

If you are reading this blog and you are in the throws of a trial, I want to pray for you by name that your joy my be made complete in Him. You can share by commenting or emailing me (sarah.jefferson@comcast.net) or you can simply leave your name. Please allow me the pleasure of interceding for you! You don't have to register to post a comment. Just leave your name and/or your specifics and choose the anonymous option.

This joy is, in fact, contagious and I have to pass it on to you!!

Brit & Emily's Engagement Party

The happy couple! ...and someone walking in the picture...

Brit was in our wedding and we're super excited about their wedding in October.
The old married couple!

All the guys!
Jake was in town and got to come too. It was a lot of fun!

SGI '09

So, I started this post a long time ago and I'm just now publishing it on 7/30...

These are pictures from our annual beach trip to St. George Island, Fla. with the Jefferson's.

Lilly on the ride down... loves to feel the wind in her ears!
Curtis and his dad catching sharks off the beach.

Nathan...being Nathan. He's got a lot of Curtis' personality in him.

First Mate on our fishing trip.

Here is Jefferson (Curtis' dad), Brian (Curtis' brother-in-law) and the captain. It was a pretty little boat, but a lot of fun!

Curtis with a flounder. So ugly!

Me with my Spanish Mackerel...believe it or not, I caught the biggest one and it's not pictured here. Holding one live fish was enough for me!

Funny story, Curtis and I roasted our lips on the fishing trip. So much so, that we woke up the next morning and our lips were swollen! We looked like we had injections done. It was SO funny!!

Jefferson's Spanish Mackerel was a close second!

Me

Happy Lilly! I love that she looks like she's smiling.

Up to no good!

My lovie

Curtis and his dad

St. George Lighthouse: They just rebuilt the original lighthouse that fell. We all hiked to the top. It's the best view of the island!

Happy puppies!

Curtis, Lilly and me

SGI '09!

Pics From Jake's Graduation

War re-enactment... Not sure why they thought that would be a good idea.

Beautiful statue at the new museum.

This is the brand new museum at Fort Benning. Jake's class was the first to graduate there.

Turning Blue ceremony

...dance with the joyful!

I was reading in Jeremiah today and stumbled across this really encouraging verse. I had to share it because it is such a great promise to those who believe and place their trust in Him.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again
and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
and go out to dance with the joyful."
Jeremiah 31:3-4

That is seriously the greatest love note, full of hope and promise! I mean, an everlasting love? That's the greatest of all! And that He continues to draw me close with loving kindness...thank you Lord that You never let go.

Just like Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything under the sun and God makes everything beautiful in its time.

I believe that. Despite everything, I believe that He'll build us back up again and that we will, in this life, go out and dance with the joyful! In His perfect time -- that will happen. It's how I live my life in the wait that matters. When it's all been said and done, did I walk by faith? Did I live by truth? Did I live my life sold out to His plans and purposes -- no matter the cost?

I pray so!

"...therefore I will wait for Him."

When we were given the prescription for metformin, it was basically explained that long gone were the days of 40+ day cycles. For me, this was the hugest weight off my shoulders. I thought, "Finally, the torture of 'am I pregnant or is this just another long cycle' will be over". Sure enough, I started taking it and like clock-work my body shifted right into 30 cycles.

This month, I kind of lost track of the days and when I calculated up, sure enough I was a day or so late. I told Curtis and with hopeful anticipation we both agreed this was super exciting. Yet, because we'd known long cycles before we agreed we'd wait it out a bit longer -- to save ourselves the disappointment.

Today, I was officially 10 days late. A sure, true-blue, factual sign for most of the population that you're pregnant. Could it be true? Over these last 10 days, I even allowed myself to dream of finally being pregnant, how we'd tell everyone, how this would be the best birthday gift ever! I even thought how the joy would so overshadow the pain in the waiting.

This morning at 6 a.m., no less, I anxiously got up and took a test. Negative.

Curtis was preparing for a long, busy work day and I was hoping he would forget about the plan to test. So, I crawled back in bed and tried to hurry back to sleep, lying to myself that I wasn't upset -- after all, this wasn't a first. He came over and gently kissed me to tell me good-bye and said, "Bye boo...I love you. Did you take a test?" "Yeah. Negative." "Really?" "Yeah. Sorry." His face was so disappointed and expressed to the fullest how I felt inside. I couldn't help but cry. "Don't worry hon," he said. "We'll get 'em next time." I have the best husband. Such an encourager when I know he's upset too.

Later in the day, the test results were confirmed.

Here's the thing. I can handle not being pregnant, but being late when I'm not supposed to be forces you to higher and higher hopes. The kind of hopes that are the makings of girlish squeals or the ugly cry. Nothing in between.

I'm going to steal from my friend Becca's blog because it perfectly illustrates hope. Becca, too, experienced infertility for 2.5 years and has been such a champion for me. She now has a beautiful miracle, Grant. But read her post from January of '08.

I hate hope. It's a thorn in my side. I feel like such a fool for letting myself hope every month. I know better, I always tell myself, but I do it again anyway. Hope is both a blessing and a curse. As various signs started popping up, I got to live in this euphoric land of what it must feel like for others who get pregnant easily at anticipating a potential pregnancy. For just a couple of days, I indulged in THAT world of joyful anticipation and what ifs and when I'd be due -- a rare guilty pleasure I usually don't dare allow myself to even take a bite of. But for two days, I let my hopes run wild. And it felt good to live in that world for just a little while. Despite knowing the downfall would be harder if I let myself go there, I just plain hoped. I hoped like I'd been trying three months and infertility wasn't part of my vocabulary. I hoped like I'd never been to a fertility doctor. Like I'd never taken a fertility drug. Like my heart had never been broken.

Today, has been hard -- for both of us. I called Curtis on the way to work and sobbed. Hard. I was actually on time to work, but late sitting in the parking lot trying to pull it together. We both honestly thought this was the month. Curtis said, "I don't know what's going on honey, but I do know God is testing us and we have to keep the faith." How do they do that? My friend Ashly talks about how her husband says things like this too. Don't they ever doubt?

I've been claiming two verses today. Almost demanding to God...like a five year old..."but You said..."

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:5

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I found myself saying today over and over, "I'm not disappointed God. I'm devastated. Okay, I'm not pregnant but why 10 days? I'm trying my very hardest to remain hopeful, to be strong, persevere, remain positive, trust, believe, endure -- but weary is right around the corner, standing next to giving up. I feel a day away from throwing in the towel on this. If I'll never see our babies, then just tell me. I've asked and now I'm begging. Show me what I'm supposed to be doing. What's the plan here?"

I'll leave you with this poem below. For those of you praying for living babies, you'll love it!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. (I love that! My dream will be crying for me...)

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.'" Lam. 3:22-24

Praise God it's tomorrow.

Heights Exceeding The Depths

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in You, my Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. You Sovereign Lord, are my strength; You make my feet like the feet of a deer, You enable me to go on the heights. (Hab. 3:17-19) Father, how inconceivable but true that you can take me to heights far exceeding the depths I have known.
-Beth Moore Praying God's Word

How rich is that?!

Heights higher than the depths I have known. Can you imagine?? If for no other reason, I cling to this faith to see those heights higher than any depth I've ever known. Come quickly Lord!

This has been an interesting few weeks for me. My infertility friends and well anyone who has experienced loss, understand what I mean when I say 'it's a monumental-event-mourning'. Meaning, another event where I thought a sweet baby would be. Another time I, full of hope, looked forward and dreamed of a big belly or pictures with a sweet smelling blessing that was a perfect resemblance of Curtis as a baby.

You see, on the 21st I will turn 29. Just typing that out seems incredible! Where has time gone? Never, in a million years, would I have guessed I would see 29 without one pregnancy. And before you type "Sarah you're still young! There is still time!" understand that I'm aware that 29 is not old and please understand you won't be the first to tell me that horrible piece of "encouragement". The age is not the issue. It's the wait.

I think David perfectly illustrates this in Psalm 69:1-3

Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

In all honesty, this month hoping to be pregnant seemed/seems hopeless. In the midst of that hopelessness, I was planning an event for work to benefit Cobb Street Ministries. The founder made the most profound statement and I knew it was a word from God. She said (referring to a time years earlier) that she knew she had made her plans and asked God to bless them -- rather than praying "Lord, what would You have us do? What is Your will?"

This was an "uh oh" moment for me. Hello? Hear my prayers I've been selfishly praying, "Lord, we desire a child. Please grant this desire of our hearts!" That moment I prayed, "Lord forgive me for not dying to self. Yes, these are my desires -- desires You made within me. Yet -- what would YOUR will for my life be? Reveal those plans to me. I desire to be used by You."

Just like the Lord's prayer says, "...THY will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread..." As a believer, it's now about His will. His desires. And quite frankly, a baby -- at this point -- is not the daily bread I need. It's the daily bread I want, but obviously not what He sees I need.

Back to the top from Beth Moore's book... Have you thought that through? What is your fig tree? What is your empty grape vine? Mine is barrenness. Yours might be your bank account, your marriage, your job (my job too). It could be any number of things.

In this life, we will have troubles. Jesus so graciously forewarns us of that in John. Yet in Isaiah He promises, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, Your God, the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior."

He is my God. My Savior...in whom I trust. In whom I place my burdens and my hope. Let that sink in. My Savior!!

Father, though the fig tree does not bud... though this body does not hold life -- I will rejoice in You, my Lord, my Savior! You are the One, true, holy God. All-powerful, all-knowing. Reveal Your will for my life, for the lives of those who read this. Father, I have desires. Real desires that are from You. Pleasing in Your sight desires. Desires You say are a heritage from You. Yet, I recognize that this may not be part of the plan You have for my life. So Lord, I long to know the desires You have for my life. The plans You made for me before I was even a thought. I desire to walk in Your way, to be a blessing -- and to be a mother. To feel life, one crafted perfectly by You, in me. Lord, my hope is You. You tell me in Your word that hope does not disappoint because God poured out His love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Show me Lord. I feel idle. I want to be Your hands and feet now. Give me eyes to see and feet to walk in Your will. Amen.