Just Being...

Over the past week, I've sat down a few times to write a post, but writers block has been in full affect. For whatever reason, the words just haven't come very easily. I feel like there isn't a lot to say that hasn't already been said. I don't really know how to describe this phase. The 'why's' have subsided to just being.

Believe it or not, I've struggled a lot more today than I did on Mother's Day. Oddly enough, I'm so sad for Curtis through all this because he will simply be the very best daddy! If you've ever seen him with kids, he just comes alive. I love to watch that.

We were talking over dinner tonight and agreed that the hardest part of this wait is communion during church. I know that sounds crazy and I'll explain. We love our church! It's very rare to find a church filled with people who are real. In the church I grew up in, everyone puts on a happy face. You would never share any real struggles. No way! You just smile and pretend that all is well (I'm pretty sure Casting Crowns wrote Stained Glass Masquerade about that church). At Apostles, I love that there are actually sinners there (gasp!) in need of a Savior. It forces you into a real relationship with the Father, rather than one that is completely fake. It's hard to be fake when you have a pastor who is so humble and real.

Well, three Sundays a month we have communion and on the fourth Sunday they do baptisms. During communion, everyone goes down front and the worship team plays simply the best worship music. The hard part comes watching all the moms carrying their sweet little babies down front to take communion-- newborns to little toddlers. Every Sunday, without fail, I force back those hot tears. Some Sundays it's too much and they seem to come without an end insight.

Today, before communion I was reading Psalm 139. This psalm is not for the faint of heart.

O LORD, You have searched me

and You know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Where can I flee from Your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, You are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea

even there Your hand will guide me

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to You;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to You.

For you created my inmost being

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be. (Even infertility!)

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with You. (I love that!)

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;

Your adversaries misuse Your name.

Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD,

and abhor those who rise up against You?

I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

While I was reading, I was praying too. Thanking my Father who really knows me. There is nothing I can feel, think or speak that He doesn't already know. I was also thanking Him that He's always with me -- even when I try my hardest to run away -- He's still there. This is monumental! I love verse 18 that says, "When I awake, I am still with You." Just like the song goes, "O Lord, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. O Lord, You never let go. Lord You never let go of me." Isn't that awesome?! He is so steadfast.

As I've blogged, I've started back running and training for a number of upcoming races. There are a couple of songs on my ipod that I want to close with. Running has become my time of worship and prayer. It's great because there are times when I don't have words and the songs become those words of prayer.

Hosanna - by Christy Nockels... I love this song for Curtis and me for a couple of reasons. Hosanna be definition is both a shout of highest praise and a cry for salvation. I think this so often. He is worthy of all our praise, yet I feel the need for His salvation from this situation sometimes daily. The other part I really relate to is the revival she sings about. Curtis and I have walked closer with God through this, than in any other time in our life. For that, I'm forever thankful that He chose us for this time of suffering.

I see the King of Glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love
Like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am For Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

That last verse has been my hearts cry. These hard times have revealed the true nature of my sinful self and my need to be made like Him.

The last song and a recent favorite is by Phil Wickham. (Thanks Denny and Ashly for introducing me to him!) Read the lyrics...

It's falling from the clouds

A strange and lovely sound

I hear it in the thunder and rain

It's ringing in the skies

Like cannons in the night

The music of the universe plays

You are holy great and mighty

The moon and the stars declare who You are

I'm so unworthy, but still You love me

Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

Beautiful and free

Song of Galaxies

It's reaching far beyond the milky way

Lets join in with the sound

C'mon let's sing it loud

As the music of the universe plays

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen

All glory, honor, power is Yours forever amen

No words could be more true! Despite my circumstances, how unlovable I am -- He is still Holy, He is still God and He is still worthy of our praise!

Stage: Why?

This is where I am in this whole process. The "Why?" stage. I won't even list out the million why's I ponder over. Honestly, the hardest thing is knowing that God is totally capable of giving us children yet He's chosen not to at this point. Why is that?

I bought two books to read at the beach. One is When Your World Falls Apart by David Jeremiah (love him!) and one is Why? by Anne Graham Lotz. She is the daughter of Billy and Ruth Graham. Enough said, right? I love this excerpt from her book...

Why does God withhold children from godly parents and give them to a mother who would bash in their heads with a rock or drown them in a bathtub?

Why would God allow politicians, athletes and entertainers, and other celebrities to profit from their sin? And increase their profits as they openly flaunt their immorality and wickedness?

Yet God is bigger than our suffering. We can have hope as we place our trust in Him -- in His faithfulness and His ability to work out in our lives His purposes that will be for our ultimate good and His eternal glory.

I'm definitely not fully at this place. Yes, I trust that God is bigger than my suffering. However, the suffering seems rather large too. With each unwed celebrity I hear is pregnant, I think "really?". But, I know God has a plan even for that little life.

On the flip-side I really struggle with how bratty all this is and why I feel like this. After all, did He not save me from the pits of hell? Yes. Did He not seat me at His right hand and am I not a child of the King? Yes. Did He not willingly take on my sins and die a horrible death on the cross? YES!

Frankly, God doesn't owe me anything! Salvation is enough and I didn't even deserve that. It was grace that saved me. The hang up is wrestling with the desires He gave me versus the blessings He chooses to or not to bestow upon us.

I lay my 'why's?' before Your cross in worship kneeling, my mind beyond all hope, my heart beyond all feeling; and worshipping, realizing that I in knowing You, don't need to know 'why?' -- Ruth Bell Graham

This quote is my goal!

On another note, we're headed to the beach soon. I'm a little anxious about this trip. We've been so busy for the last couple of months and I've gone a really long time without dealing with all these feelings. So, I'm a little scared of all the downtime I'll have. Please pray that God will meet me there, that I'll have eyes to see what He wants to show me and ears to hear what He wants to tell me.

On happy note, I'm running again! Yay! Actually, I'm training for the Las Vegas Rock 'n' Roll Marathon and 1/2. I'm not crazy enough to run the full marathon, but I think I can do the 13.1. This has been a much needed kind of therapy! Running is good for the soul!

Also, Jake graduated from basic. Yay!! I'll post pictures soon and update you on his next steps...

Memorial Day Memories!

Memorial Day weekend was packed full of fun plans! We started the weekend off on Saturday afternoon at Piedmont Park. I love this park! The plan was to picnic, play around with the football, throw the frisbee, then head to Park Tavern for dinner. We got about half-way through those plans before the heavens opened up. I've never gotten caught in the rain until Saturday. We got so wet that it literally did not have a dry spot on us!







Eating yummy Jimmy John's! If you haven't eaten there you must go soon...the best subs!







Sara kept saying, "man, those clouds look like rain." But we all kept saying, "nah, it will blow over." Looking back, this is when we should have started packing up...




Like a bunch of idiots, we still thought it would blow over so we all huddled under a tree. Funny thing is, a tree only provides so much shelter....until it becomes soaked and the drops are bigger than the rain. Look at all the rain puddled on the sidewalk.




Last picture before we put the camera up to ensure it didn't get ruined. We were soaked!!

Plan B: go home, get dry and meet up for dinner later. Sara lives in California and had never been to Atlanta. So, we tried to ensure that we hit all the great Atlanta places to eat. First stop, South City Kitchen for drinks and appetizers. She had never had fried green tomatoes!! What?!?! "We need an order of those on the double-time!" I love the food at South City!

Next stop, Muss & Turner's. Heaven, really. This local hot spot is by far the best, most original food I've ever had. All fresh, organic ingredients. They don't have any freezers or microwaves...everything is made fresh every day! YUM! Here Sara had her first glass of sweet tea. Can you imagine?!? ...28 years old and never having tasted the sweet yumminess of sweet tea!! I think that is sinful, right?

Final stop, Cafe Intermezzo in Atlanta for some huge, yummy desserts!!

Monday, Curtis and I hosted everyone for a barbecue. We had burgers, chicken and grilled shrimp...along with a load of yummy sides! Below is the grill master himself.

Even Lilly played host....

Doesn't she look like she's smiling? Lilly loves a party!

Brandon really wanted to make his grandmother's sweet potato pie. I had never had it, so I welcomed the dessert offerings. One bite and I was hooked!

After we stuffed our bellies, the rain came. A perfect excuse for the guys to play Tiger Woods Golf on playstation 3. The girls huddles on the coach and looked at wedding books. It was a great weekend!!

"California knows how to party!"

After went spent two days in San Diego, Curtis and I drove up the coast to visit with Tony and Lia before all the madness began. They were engaged for 15 months and Lia used that time to have a lot great details. Everything was so thought out! Someone needs to write an article for her wedding and publish it for a bride's magazine!

A lot of long-time friends from Atlanta flew out and we had the best time together. We all went to high school together and maintained our friendships through college. It was like old times! I seriously forgot about life!

Enjoy the pictures....

Thursday night, we all met up at this great pizza place in Laguna Beach right across the street from the ocean. Seriously, the best pizza I've ever had!

The morning of the wedding, the Atlanta crew all went to breakfast at this awesome place in Laguna Beach. SO yummy!

Rehearsal...

Lia was about to leave the rehearsal dinner and I said, "one last picture before you get married!" Maybe they thought I meant one last grope?!

She is the most beautiful bride!

Crazy wedding party!

Love Lia!

Finally married!

Courtney and Manuela again.

At the reception...

Courtney and Brandon...

Look at this dinner! Steak, prawns (in the shape of a heart), mashed potatoes and veggies. Also, notice the picture frame. That's me and my beloved Gus. She made these for every guest and it was all placed on a table and on the back it had your table assignment. So darn creative!

Tony, Cindy (Lia's mom) and Lia...

These to clowns only posed like this in our wedding. Every picture they were in they made this pose.

(Sorry it's blurry.) Father/daughter dance

Josh, Curtis and me....

We've been friends for a long time and he was actually in our wedding.

The gang all together Sunday morning at the bunch her parents hosted. We all cried because we didn't want to leave...well, all the girls cried.

"San Diego..."

“…breathe it in. It always goes down smooth.” – Ron Burgundy, Anchorman

For 15 long months, we’ve been planning our trip to California to celebrate the wedding of our friends, Tony and Lia. A wedding in San Clemente, Cal. is a great excuse for a vacation! And a much needed one at that… We stayed so busy that I could hardly find the time to think about “life”.

First stop on the trip was San Diego. It’s official. I love this city! The weather was awesome, the city was fantastic and frankly, I didn’t want to leave. After we landed, we headed straight for the famous San Diego Zoo – home of the sleeping animals.

This animal lover was sorely disappointed in the overrated zoo. No offense if you “heart” the San Diego Zoo. First, it’s HUGE! HUGE! HUGE! HUGE! Definitely didn’t wear the right shoes… Aside from that, the map was really, really hard to read. And not just for me. Curtis, who is the map whiz of the family, even had a tough time finding his bearings. Lots of adorable animals, but the large majority of them were sleeping. The real kicker is that we got there early – 10 a.m.! But we made the most of it. Take a peek at our pictures…

"Cooler than a polar bear's toe nails..." By, far my favorite exhibit. This guy was so fun. He was trying as hard as he could to get the female's attention...jumping in the water, splashing around...but, she didn't care. Obviously, same story different day. So funny how similar it was to real-life!

"I hope she notices me..."

Check out how big this eagle's nest is! Apparently they can weigh up to a whopping 400 lbs!

Wrestling monkeys

Sleeping Hippo...

"Do you think I need to pluck?"

Love tigers! Well, cats in general. How cute are his stripes?

Him so cute! I wanted to kiss his stripes.

This guy was mean! He was floating like this and suddenly he got made at me, flipped around and bit at the glass. Yikes!

Then he just starred at me like this...

"Pretty bird." -- Dumb & Dumber (Don't say it, I know...I quote too many movies.)

This panda was, of course, sleeping. Big shock. However, look at how he fell asleep. Is that funny or what?!?!? It's like he was right in the middle of deep thought. Apparently, that's his favorite nap spot.

Sleeping koalas...

Honestly, camels are disgusting!

Is that the ugliest thing you've ever seen? It just looks like it should have a cigarette hanging out of it's mouth.

Sleeping, laughing hyena...

Baby giraffe...

About to make another baby giraffe! No lie...and frankly, no words for what these eyes saw. I might need counseling one day. Don't you know that poor momma was thinking, "Not now! Everyone is watching!!"

Shocker: They're sleeping! "Gasp!"