Tower of Darkness

I was coming home from a girls night out last night -- which was so much fun! I'm seriously blessed to have some great, Christian girlfriends. On the way home I was listening to Mac Powell sing "Restore To Me" from Psalm 51. Part of the song really hit me as such truth for how I feel right now.


Deliver me from this tower of darkness.
Through the pain and brokenness
And I will sing of your loving kindness
And of your righteousness
Restore to me
The joy of your salvation
Restore to me
The wonders of your love



I couldn't help but weep. That's exactly how I feel. Like I'm trapped in this tower of darkness and infertility. I long for the day when I will sing of God's blessings and mercy because He has given us a sweet little baby. But you, know what? I'm supposed to praise Him now, in the midst of this pain. I'm not supposed to be in a holding pattern waiting on His blessings. After all, He saved me from the chains of sin and death -- and frankly, that's enough.

I know this in my heart, but it's still hard to praise Him in the valley. My friend Laura blogged about this verse today and it really speaks about this continual state of praise.

Psalm 34:1-7
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. 2 My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. 3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together. 4 I sought the Lord and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. 5 They looked to Him and their faces were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. 6 This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, And saved him out of all his troubles. 7 The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, And delivers them.

I'm not going to lie or pretend to be strong. I'm a little fearful of Sunday. Mother's Day is a long and hard day for those dealing with infertility, loosing babies or moms. Over the last couple of years, Mother's Day has proven to be a tough day for me. I love celebrating my mom's life. I have been blessed beyond measure to have my mother. Yet, I'm sad I don't have babies who know how great their Sassy is.

I saw a church sign yesterday that said, "Mother's are special! Come celebrate with us!". Mother's really are special. So special in fact, that there is tons of scripture to support her vital role. This is one of those holidays that either applies to you or it doesn't. There is no gray area. And for me, it still doesn't apply.

Psalm 51:1-2, 5-8, 10-12, 15-17
Have mercy on me, O God,
According to Your unfailing love;
according to Your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.


Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely You desire truth in the inner parts;
You teach wisdom in the inmost place.


Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.


Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
and great me a willing spirit to sustain me.


Oh Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise.




Father, You alone are Holy. You alone are sovereign over all things. Father, thank You that Your love for us endures forever and Your mercies are new each morning. Lord, I pray for my friends dealing with infertility this Mother's Day. It's such a reminder of a deep, painful longing unfulfilled, Father, and I pray that You would pour out an extra measure of grace to them. For my sweet friends who have babies in heaven, Lord Jesus, comfort them -- give them a peace that transcends their pain. Father, for those friends pregnant and carrying babies, cause them to have healthy, full-term pregnancies. We long to hear their sweet cries and will be sure to give You all the praise. Father, I also pray for patience and love for my friends who are mothering small children. I also lift up my friends who have had to deal with the pain of loosing their mother. Father, we need You to dwell among us. Give us ears to hear Your sweet whispers of love and eyes to see You in the midst of this fog. Shield us from insensitive comments from those who may not think before they speak. Father, You are bigger than all these issues. Trusting is SO hard when you're hurting. Yet, You are El Saddai: God all sufficient -- show us Your sufficiency this day. Jehovah-Jireh: the Lord will provide! Selfishly, I look forward to Your provisions! Jehovah-Rophe: the God who heals -- heal these husbands and wives physically, emotionally and spiritually and bind us together by Your love for us. Jehovah-Shalom: the Lord our peace -- thank You for the peace You give us. Jehovah-Shammah: the Lord is there -- thank You that You never leave us or forsake us -- even in the tough times. I love You and trust Your will for my life -- even though it's not my plan. Amen.