Hello anxiety.

As many of you know, (...or maybe you don't know) I've been a runner for a while now. My dad was a huge runner when I was little and I have some great memories of going to watch him race. He would even take me along on some shorts runs.

The older I've gotten the more I feel like I was made to run. I know this is not all that common, but I really love to run. It's hard to describe, but it's the one activity where I feel like I can really clear my head. And when it's all said and done, I love the feeling of accomplishment and the great way you feel after a long run.

I wish today that I could go for a long run. I feel the need to just clear my head.

I don't know that this is common amongst all runners, but I get this super anxious feeling before every race. It's that butterflies in the stomach, adrenaline rush, just anxious feeling. Once the race starts and I'm off and running the feeling immediately subsides. But, I can never really explain why I get that feeling before.

That is how I feel today.

Ever since my doctor's appointment on Tuesday I've felt so overwhelmed and anxious. It has nothing to do with not being prepared. This house has never been more in order and ready! I think the battle with infertility really does something to you. Some good things and some bad.

I certainly wouldn't change the two and half years it took us to conceive our precious little Grey. Curtis and I are more "one" than ever. Praise God, He really bound our marriage and relationship together. It has also transformed our relationships with the Lord. You know that song, "I am a friend of God"? That's how I feel. Like He's really my friend. That He's always here. Never will He leave us. Never will He forsake us. He with us good, bad, indifferent.

The other, not so great, aspect of infertility is that during it you mourn the loss of a dream. I was pretty convinced that we may never have children that shared our DNA. So, when we became pregnant it was SO shocking. We literally stared at each other and the test in complete disbelief.

While I have loved every single second of this pregnancy, I guess it really hasn't hit me how monumental this answer to prayer has been. I can't seem to take it all in. I cannot believe that in 24 hours, I'm going to be holding this long-awaited love that our hearts have ached to see and touch.

I was telling Curtis this other night, "I guess I just didn't think we'd make it this far." I hate that I doubted God that way, but I did. Curtis never seemed to...and with good reason. He is mighty to save! He pulled us from the depths of despair to this joyous mountain top. It's a horrible coping mechanism that won't let you hope too much and I hate it. I want to trust God with such abandon.

But more than all of this is the overwhelming feeling of God's love for us. Easter I kept thinking, indeed we serve a living God. He is the very creator and giver of this life in my belly. The hearer of our prayers. The giver of our dreams.

Tonight we'll head to the hospital to start the process to Grey. I have the best doctor and would honestly trust him with my life! I really feel like he has and is invested in this process. During this whole pregnancy, he has arranged for us to only meet with him. I'm thrilled that he is going to see Grey into the world safely.

I think once we see that little face and hear his sweet cries, there will be such healing in our hearts. I hope that "go to" doubt will forever vanish. I can't wait!

Please pray for us. I've been so anxious today and like my running anxiety, I'm not sure why. I guess the "unknown". (This is where a run would be nice.) But instead, God is calling me to take a HUGE leap of faith and just trust. I can't control anything that will happen. But I do trust that we serve a Sovereign God and I trust that His ways are perfect.

I'll leave you with a couple of verses that have brought immense comfort over the past 3 years.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust His holy name. May Your unfailing love rust upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You." Ps. 33:20-22

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." Ps. 34:4

"Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Ps. 16:5-6

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Is. 43:1-3

We serve a mighty God, whose love for us cannot be measured or understood. Praise the Lord!