...dance with the joyful!

I was reading in Jeremiah today and stumbled across this really encouraging verse. I had to share it because it is such a great promise to those who believe and place their trust in Him.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again
and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
and go out to dance with the joyful."
Jeremiah 31:3-4

That is seriously the greatest love note, full of hope and promise! I mean, an everlasting love? That's the greatest of all! And that He continues to draw me close with loving kindness...thank you Lord that You never let go.

Just like Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything under the sun and God makes everything beautiful in its time.

I believe that. Despite everything, I believe that He'll build us back up again and that we will, in this life, go out and dance with the joyful! In His perfect time -- that will happen. It's how I live my life in the wait that matters. When it's all been said and done, did I walk by faith? Did I live by truth? Did I live my life sold out to His plans and purposes -- no matter the cost?

I pray so!

"...therefore I will wait for Him."

When we were given the prescription for metformin, it was basically explained that long gone were the days of 40+ day cycles. For me, this was the hugest weight off my shoulders. I thought, "Finally, the torture of 'am I pregnant or is this just another long cycle' will be over". Sure enough, I started taking it and like clock-work my body shifted right into 30 cycles.

This month, I kind of lost track of the days and when I calculated up, sure enough I was a day or so late. I told Curtis and with hopeful anticipation we both agreed this was super exciting. Yet, because we'd known long cycles before we agreed we'd wait it out a bit longer -- to save ourselves the disappointment.

Today, I was officially 10 days late. A sure, true-blue, factual sign for most of the population that you're pregnant. Could it be true? Over these last 10 days, I even allowed myself to dream of finally being pregnant, how we'd tell everyone, how this would be the best birthday gift ever! I even thought how the joy would so overshadow the pain in the waiting.

This morning at 6 a.m., no less, I anxiously got up and took a test. Negative.

Curtis was preparing for a long, busy work day and I was hoping he would forget about the plan to test. So, I crawled back in bed and tried to hurry back to sleep, lying to myself that I wasn't upset -- after all, this wasn't a first. He came over and gently kissed me to tell me good-bye and said, "Bye boo...I love you. Did you take a test?" "Yeah. Negative." "Really?" "Yeah. Sorry." His face was so disappointed and expressed to the fullest how I felt inside. I couldn't help but cry. "Don't worry hon," he said. "We'll get 'em next time." I have the best husband. Such an encourager when I know he's upset too.

Later in the day, the test results were confirmed.

Here's the thing. I can handle not being pregnant, but being late when I'm not supposed to be forces you to higher and higher hopes. The kind of hopes that are the makings of girlish squeals or the ugly cry. Nothing in between.

I'm going to steal from my friend Becca's blog because it perfectly illustrates hope. Becca, too, experienced infertility for 2.5 years and has been such a champion for me. She now has a beautiful miracle, Grant. But read her post from January of '08.

I hate hope. It's a thorn in my side. I feel like such a fool for letting myself hope every month. I know better, I always tell myself, but I do it again anyway. Hope is both a blessing and a curse. As various signs started popping up, I got to live in this euphoric land of what it must feel like for others who get pregnant easily at anticipating a potential pregnancy. For just a couple of days, I indulged in THAT world of joyful anticipation and what ifs and when I'd be due -- a rare guilty pleasure I usually don't dare allow myself to even take a bite of. But for two days, I let my hopes run wild. And it felt good to live in that world for just a little while. Despite knowing the downfall would be harder if I let myself go there, I just plain hoped. I hoped like I'd been trying three months and infertility wasn't part of my vocabulary. I hoped like I'd never been to a fertility doctor. Like I'd never taken a fertility drug. Like my heart had never been broken.

Today, has been hard -- for both of us. I called Curtis on the way to work and sobbed. Hard. I was actually on time to work, but late sitting in the parking lot trying to pull it together. We both honestly thought this was the month. Curtis said, "I don't know what's going on honey, but I do know God is testing us and we have to keep the faith." How do they do that? My friend Ashly talks about how her husband says things like this too. Don't they ever doubt?

I've been claiming two verses today. Almost demanding to God...like a five year old..."but You said..."

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:5

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I found myself saying today over and over, "I'm not disappointed God. I'm devastated. Okay, I'm not pregnant but why 10 days? I'm trying my very hardest to remain hopeful, to be strong, persevere, remain positive, trust, believe, endure -- but weary is right around the corner, standing next to giving up. I feel a day away from throwing in the towel on this. If I'll never see our babies, then just tell me. I've asked and now I'm begging. Show me what I'm supposed to be doing. What's the plan here?"

I'll leave you with this poem below. For those of you praying for living babies, you'll love it!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. (I love that! My dream will be crying for me...)

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.'" Lam. 3:22-24

Praise God it's tomorrow.

Heights Exceeding The Depths

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in You, my Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. You Sovereign Lord, are my strength; You make my feet like the feet of a deer, You enable me to go on the heights. (Hab. 3:17-19) Father, how inconceivable but true that you can take me to heights far exceeding the depths I have known.
-Beth Moore Praying God's Word

How rich is that?!

Heights higher than the depths I have known. Can you imagine?? If for no other reason, I cling to this faith to see those heights higher than any depth I've ever known. Come quickly Lord!

This has been an interesting few weeks for me. My infertility friends and well anyone who has experienced loss, understand what I mean when I say 'it's a monumental-event-mourning'. Meaning, another event where I thought a sweet baby would be. Another time I, full of hope, looked forward and dreamed of a big belly or pictures with a sweet smelling blessing that was a perfect resemblance of Curtis as a baby.

You see, on the 21st I will turn 29. Just typing that out seems incredible! Where has time gone? Never, in a million years, would I have guessed I would see 29 without one pregnancy. And before you type "Sarah you're still young! There is still time!" understand that I'm aware that 29 is not old and please understand you won't be the first to tell me that horrible piece of "encouragement". The age is not the issue. It's the wait.

I think David perfectly illustrates this in Psalm 69:1-3

Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

In all honesty, this month hoping to be pregnant seemed/seems hopeless. In the midst of that hopelessness, I was planning an event for work to benefit Cobb Street Ministries. The founder made the most profound statement and I knew it was a word from God. She said (referring to a time years earlier) that she knew she had made her plans and asked God to bless them -- rather than praying "Lord, what would You have us do? What is Your will?"

This was an "uh oh" moment for me. Hello? Hear my prayers I've been selfishly praying, "Lord, we desire a child. Please grant this desire of our hearts!" That moment I prayed, "Lord forgive me for not dying to self. Yes, these are my desires -- desires You made within me. Yet -- what would YOUR will for my life be? Reveal those plans to me. I desire to be used by You."

Just like the Lord's prayer says, "...THY will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread..." As a believer, it's now about His will. His desires. And quite frankly, a baby -- at this point -- is not the daily bread I need. It's the daily bread I want, but obviously not what He sees I need.

Back to the top from Beth Moore's book... Have you thought that through? What is your fig tree? What is your empty grape vine? Mine is barrenness. Yours might be your bank account, your marriage, your job (my job too). It could be any number of things.

In this life, we will have troubles. Jesus so graciously forewarns us of that in John. Yet in Isaiah He promises, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, Your God, the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior."

He is my God. My Savior...in whom I trust. In whom I place my burdens and my hope. Let that sink in. My Savior!!

Father, though the fig tree does not bud... though this body does not hold life -- I will rejoice in You, my Lord, my Savior! You are the One, true, holy God. All-powerful, all-knowing. Reveal Your will for my life, for the lives of those who read this. Father, I have desires. Real desires that are from You. Pleasing in Your sight desires. Desires You say are a heritage from You. Yet, I recognize that this may not be part of the plan You have for my life. So Lord, I long to know the desires You have for my life. The plans You made for me before I was even a thought. I desire to walk in Your way, to be a blessing -- and to be a mother. To feel life, one crafted perfectly by You, in me. Lord, my hope is You. You tell me in Your word that hope does not disappoint because God poured out His love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. Show me Lord. I feel idle. I want to be Your hands and feet now. Give me eyes to see and feet to walk in Your will. Amen.

Just Being...

Over the past week, I've sat down a few times to write a post, but writers block has been in full affect. For whatever reason, the words just haven't come very easily. I feel like there isn't a lot to say that hasn't already been said. I don't really know how to describe this phase. The 'why's' have subsided to just being.

Believe it or not, I've struggled a lot more today than I did on Mother's Day. Oddly enough, I'm so sad for Curtis through all this because he will simply be the very best daddy! If you've ever seen him with kids, he just comes alive. I love to watch that.

We were talking over dinner tonight and agreed that the hardest part of this wait is communion during church. I know that sounds crazy and I'll explain. We love our church! It's very rare to find a church filled with people who are real. In the church I grew up in, everyone puts on a happy face. You would never share any real struggles. No way! You just smile and pretend that all is well (I'm pretty sure Casting Crowns wrote Stained Glass Masquerade about that church). At Apostles, I love that there are actually sinners there (gasp!) in need of a Savior. It forces you into a real relationship with the Father, rather than one that is completely fake. It's hard to be fake when you have a pastor who is so humble and real.

Well, three Sundays a month we have communion and on the fourth Sunday they do baptisms. During communion, everyone goes down front and the worship team plays simply the best worship music. The hard part comes watching all the moms carrying their sweet little babies down front to take communion-- newborns to little toddlers. Every Sunday, without fail, I force back those hot tears. Some Sundays it's too much and they seem to come without an end insight.

Today, before communion I was reading Psalm 139. This psalm is not for the faint of heart.

O LORD, You have searched me

and You know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Where can I flee from Your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, You are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea

even there Your hand will guide me

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to You;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to You.

For you created my inmost being

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be. (Even infertility!)

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with You. (I love that!)

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;

Your adversaries misuse Your name.

Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD,

and abhor those who rise up against You?

I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

While I was reading, I was praying too. Thanking my Father who really knows me. There is nothing I can feel, think or speak that He doesn't already know. I was also thanking Him that He's always with me -- even when I try my hardest to run away -- He's still there. This is monumental! I love verse 18 that says, "When I awake, I am still with You." Just like the song goes, "O Lord, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. O Lord, You never let go. Lord You never let go of me." Isn't that awesome?! He is so steadfast.

As I've blogged, I've started back running and training for a number of upcoming races. There are a couple of songs on my ipod that I want to close with. Running has become my time of worship and prayer. It's great because there are times when I don't have words and the songs become those words of prayer.

Hosanna - by Christy Nockels... I love this song for Curtis and me for a couple of reasons. Hosanna be definition is both a shout of highest praise and a cry for salvation. I think this so often. He is worthy of all our praise, yet I feel the need for His salvation from this situation sometimes daily. The other part I really relate to is the revival she sings about. Curtis and I have walked closer with God through this, than in any other time in our life. For that, I'm forever thankful that He chose us for this time of suffering.

I see the King of Glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love
Like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am For Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

That last verse has been my hearts cry. These hard times have revealed the true nature of my sinful self and my need to be made like Him.

The last song and a recent favorite is by Phil Wickham. (Thanks Denny and Ashly for introducing me to him!) Read the lyrics...

It's falling from the clouds

A strange and lovely sound

I hear it in the thunder and rain

It's ringing in the skies

Like cannons in the night

The music of the universe plays

You are holy great and mighty

The moon and the stars declare who You are

I'm so unworthy, but still You love me

Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

Beautiful and free

Song of Galaxies

It's reaching far beyond the milky way

Lets join in with the sound

C'mon let's sing it loud

As the music of the universe plays

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen

All glory, honor, power is Yours forever amen

No words could be more true! Despite my circumstances, how unlovable I am -- He is still Holy, He is still God and He is still worthy of our praise!

Stage: Why?

This is where I am in this whole process. The "Why?" stage. I won't even list out the million why's I ponder over. Honestly, the hardest thing is knowing that God is totally capable of giving us children yet He's chosen not to at this point. Why is that?

I bought two books to read at the beach. One is When Your World Falls Apart by David Jeremiah (love him!) and one is Why? by Anne Graham Lotz. She is the daughter of Billy and Ruth Graham. Enough said, right? I love this excerpt from her book...

Why does God withhold children from godly parents and give them to a mother who would bash in their heads with a rock or drown them in a bathtub?

Why would God allow politicians, athletes and entertainers, and other celebrities to profit from their sin? And increase their profits as they openly flaunt their immorality and wickedness?

Yet God is bigger than our suffering. We can have hope as we place our trust in Him -- in His faithfulness and His ability to work out in our lives His purposes that will be for our ultimate good and His eternal glory.

I'm definitely not fully at this place. Yes, I trust that God is bigger than my suffering. However, the suffering seems rather large too. With each unwed celebrity I hear is pregnant, I think "really?". But, I know God has a plan even for that little life.

On the flip-side I really struggle with how bratty all this is and why I feel like this. After all, did He not save me from the pits of hell? Yes. Did He not seat me at His right hand and am I not a child of the King? Yes. Did He not willingly take on my sins and die a horrible death on the cross? YES!

Frankly, God doesn't owe me anything! Salvation is enough and I didn't even deserve that. It was grace that saved me. The hang up is wrestling with the desires He gave me versus the blessings He chooses to or not to bestow upon us.

I lay my 'why's?' before Your cross in worship kneeling, my mind beyond all hope, my heart beyond all feeling; and worshipping, realizing that I in knowing You, don't need to know 'why?' -- Ruth Bell Graham

This quote is my goal!

On another note, we're headed to the beach soon. I'm a little anxious about this trip. We've been so busy for the last couple of months and I've gone a really long time without dealing with all these feelings. So, I'm a little scared of all the downtime I'll have. Please pray that God will meet me there, that I'll have eyes to see what He wants to show me and ears to hear what He wants to tell me.

On happy note, I'm running again! Yay! Actually, I'm training for the Las Vegas Rock 'n' Roll Marathon and 1/2. I'm not crazy enough to run the full marathon, but I think I can do the 13.1. This has been a much needed kind of therapy! Running is good for the soul!

Also, Jake graduated from basic. Yay!! I'll post pictures soon and update you on his next steps...

Memorial Day Memories!

Memorial Day weekend was packed full of fun plans! We started the weekend off on Saturday afternoon at Piedmont Park. I love this park! The plan was to picnic, play around with the football, throw the frisbee, then head to Park Tavern for dinner. We got about half-way through those plans before the heavens opened up. I've never gotten caught in the rain until Saturday. We got so wet that it literally did not have a dry spot on us!







Eating yummy Jimmy John's! If you haven't eaten there you must go soon...the best subs!







Sara kept saying, "man, those clouds look like rain." But we all kept saying, "nah, it will blow over." Looking back, this is when we should have started packing up...




Like a bunch of idiots, we still thought it would blow over so we all huddled under a tree. Funny thing is, a tree only provides so much shelter....until it becomes soaked and the drops are bigger than the rain. Look at all the rain puddled on the sidewalk.




Last picture before we put the camera up to ensure it didn't get ruined. We were soaked!!

Plan B: go home, get dry and meet up for dinner later. Sara lives in California and had never been to Atlanta. So, we tried to ensure that we hit all the great Atlanta places to eat. First stop, South City Kitchen for drinks and appetizers. She had never had fried green tomatoes!! What?!?! "We need an order of those on the double-time!" I love the food at South City!

Next stop, Muss & Turner's. Heaven, really. This local hot spot is by far the best, most original food I've ever had. All fresh, organic ingredients. They don't have any freezers or microwaves...everything is made fresh every day! YUM! Here Sara had her first glass of sweet tea. Can you imagine?!? ...28 years old and never having tasted the sweet yumminess of sweet tea!! I think that is sinful, right?

Final stop, Cafe Intermezzo in Atlanta for some huge, yummy desserts!!

Monday, Curtis and I hosted everyone for a barbecue. We had burgers, chicken and grilled shrimp...along with a load of yummy sides! Below is the grill master himself.

Even Lilly played host....

Doesn't she look like she's smiling? Lilly loves a party!

Brandon really wanted to make his grandmother's sweet potato pie. I had never had it, so I welcomed the dessert offerings. One bite and I was hooked!

After we stuffed our bellies, the rain came. A perfect excuse for the guys to play Tiger Woods Golf on playstation 3. The girls huddles on the coach and looked at wedding books. It was a great weekend!!

"California knows how to party!"

After went spent two days in San Diego, Curtis and I drove up the coast to visit with Tony and Lia before all the madness began. They were engaged for 15 months and Lia used that time to have a lot great details. Everything was so thought out! Someone needs to write an article for her wedding and publish it for a bride's magazine!

A lot of long-time friends from Atlanta flew out and we had the best time together. We all went to high school together and maintained our friendships through college. It was like old times! I seriously forgot about life!

Enjoy the pictures....

Thursday night, we all met up at this great pizza place in Laguna Beach right across the street from the ocean. Seriously, the best pizza I've ever had!

The morning of the wedding, the Atlanta crew all went to breakfast at this awesome place in Laguna Beach. SO yummy!

Rehearsal...

Lia was about to leave the rehearsal dinner and I said, "one last picture before you get married!" Maybe they thought I meant one last grope?!

She is the most beautiful bride!

Crazy wedding party!

Love Lia!

Finally married!

Courtney and Manuela again.

At the reception...

Courtney and Brandon...

Look at this dinner! Steak, prawns (in the shape of a heart), mashed potatoes and veggies. Also, notice the picture frame. That's me and my beloved Gus. She made these for every guest and it was all placed on a table and on the back it had your table assignment. So darn creative!

Tony, Cindy (Lia's mom) and Lia...

These to clowns only posed like this in our wedding. Every picture they were in they made this pose.

(Sorry it's blurry.) Father/daughter dance

Josh, Curtis and me....

We've been friends for a long time and he was actually in our wedding.

The gang all together Sunday morning at the bunch her parents hosted. We all cried because we didn't want to leave...well, all the girls cried.