Answers

Today, Curtis and I went to our first consultation at Reproductive Biology Associates. I know what you're thinking and that's why I hesitated to even blog about it.

I thought you said you guys weren't going to go.

You're right. I did say that. That was before last week. As you know, I was on my second month of clomid. I was experiencing a lot of crazy symptoms. I won't go into details because they're a little too...well, personal. L-o-n-g story short, we had to go to the doctor last week because they weren't sure if I had a miscarriage or what the side affects were caused by. I had to have an internal ultrasound and complete exam. End of story, no baby. We were told, "within the realm of possibility that you had a miscarriage or could be an affect of the meds."

For those of you that read and haven't ever experienced any kind of infertility, let me try to explain what this does to your psyche. Each month you live with the hope that this will be the month. This will be the cycle. This will be the symptoms that actually pan out to show a positive pregnancy test. This is all well and good, but when it's like this month after month for two years -- it's exhausting. Mentally, physically and spiritually.

While sitting in Dr. H's office, he was very frank. Something I love about him is that he's not afraid to give you news you don't want to hear. "You guys aren't going to get pregnant on your own." This cut right through to my heart. I know that and I didn't want to hear it again.

I want to know why! Why not? Nothing is wrong. Every thing comes back "normal"..."within normal range"...the ultrasound tech actually said, "every thing looks great!" I wanted to scream, "looks great, you're pregnant or looks great, you're not pregnant -- someone tell us something!"

Curtis and I got in the car to go home and almost in unison we agreed, "RBA, here we come." We cannot go on thinking and hearing everything is fine, when clearly it's not.

We sat today with a fantastic doctor today that took the time to explain to each of us his thoughts, his plan and direction. It was the hugest relief! You know why? Because things aren't normal. This is a praise!! Just as I suspected, he agreed it's not normal to try to get pregnant for two and half years unsuccessfully! (Medically they use our anniversary since I haven't been on birth control since we got married.) Like I thought, he also thinks I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome -- something my other doctors too quickly ruled out because I'm skinny.

A friend of ours sent Curtis an email last week saying, "Our prayers are often answered through the skills and actions of other people." Have you pondered that? We are in fact His hands and feet.

I believed this before. Being a doctor takes God-given talent. No ordinary person could retain that much knowledge. But, I was being stubborn. I wanted God to answer our prayer for a child my way. I don't want to go to an Reproductive Endocrinologist to do what most people do without any thought. I don't want to be the exception to the rule. I don't want to suffer through this horrible longing unfulfilled. I hate the questions from strangers about "when we're going to finally give in and have kids".

But you know what, this is what God choose for me. I don't know why and probably won't know why. He didn't ask me what I wanted. In fact, He knew infertility would be part of my life when He created me. Do you know that even with this label, I am still fearfully and wonderfully made? He doesn't look at me as incomplete or unable. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.

And following His will isn't following my will for His will. It's tearing up my itinerary, forgetting my will and doing what I don't want to simply because that's what He's asking -- to trust Him, where He leads.

So that's where we are now. Trusting and prayerfully considering next steps. We're not rushing into any treatments and frankly the doctor doesn't foresee that as necessary. A lot of testing has to be done. For now, I'm on metformin to help with PCOS and baby aspirin to help with blood flow. Clomid will come back in the mix in the next month or so.

I'm just glad to have someone "on the case" who is as invested in helping us get pregnant as we are. Curtis and I left with such a peace. No, we're not pregnant but we're getting answers and we've got the best of the best as our doctor.

This is enough. This a praise!