Where We Are

Faith, bigger faith and recklessly big faith. What do all these things have in common? Obviously, faith. My cling-to-verses these past few weeks has been, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 and "We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

When you get down to it, faith is hard. I mean, having total, complete reliance on God -- when you can't see it, yet you know He's working -- is much harder than it seems at first glance. I'm a sight person. I'll believe it when I see it. I might even be pessimistic. I hate this in me and even recognize this is not pleasing to the Lord. So, I've been earnestly praying for bigger faith through this infertility journey.

As you may remember, Curtis and I started reading Supernatural Childbirth. Despite the new age title, this is a fantastic book! Anything that points you to scripture and not "I think..." by the author is exceptional in my mind. Way too many books out there with far too few scripture references. This book strictly teaches you how to pray, from scripture, God's promises to His people -- including babies.

When I first started reading it, I was so empowered. "Yes! I believe, Lord. I can do this. I can pray scripture and trust You'll bring a child to us!" And as the weeks passed on, I've started "Lord, I believe -- but what if it doesn't happen?" (Funny, huh?) I finally felt the Lord saying to me, "Sarah, you believe on Me for your very salvation. Your life! Do you realize how insane it sounds that you can do that, yet you can't believe I'll give you a child?" Whoa. Think about it with me.

I have not physically seen heaven, or Jesus for that matter. Yet, I still believe they exist. I was not there when Jesus died on the cross, yet I still believe it happened. I believe Jesus when He said that He would die for my sins so that I could live eternally with Him. Now, I haven't spoken to any who have gone before me to confirm that this actually happened and everything He said would be is. But, I still believe.

Why then wouldn't I trust that He, the very Giver of Life, would provide us with our own babies?

Hello, Sarah? You there? God is calling you to reckless faith -- like the faith you have for your salvation!!

"We may be called to a definite purpose for our life which the Holy Ghost reveals and we know that it means a decision, a reckless fling over onto God, a burning of our bridges behind us; and there is not a soul to advise us when we take that step saving the Holy Ghost. Our clingings come in this way -- we put one foot on God's side and one on the side of human reasoning; then God widens the space until we either drop down between or jump onto one side or the other. We have to take a leap, a reckless leap, and if we have learned to rely on the Holy Ghost, it will be a reckless leap to God's side. So many of us limit our praying because we are not reckless in our confidence in God. In the eyes of those who don't know God, it is madness to trust Him, but when we pray in the Holy Ghost we begin to realise the resources of God, that He is our perfect heavenly Father, and we are His children." Oswald Chambers, If Ye Shall Ask

Do you know how many times I read that before it began to sink in? This is it. This is faith. Not saving faith, meaning salvation. This is saving faith in circumstances. That even though I can't see it, I will believe. But humanly, I am programmed to continually think on the "human reasoning" side..."but what if...". This isn't faith. Faith must be, "God I don't see how this could happen, humanly speaking. Yet, I know You are bigger, more mighty than any circumstance and Your faithfulness endures forever. So I will believe."

So, what's the point of all this. Well, today, right now, at 10:30 a.m. Curtis and I were scheduled to go to Reproductive Biology Associates here in Atlanta for our first official infertility consult. After reading Supernatural Childbirth, I went to Curtis with wild eyes and excitedly mentioned, "I really do believe He will grant this to us, by faith. I don't know if we should still go to RBA." Being the level-headed man that he is and recognizing that I can sometimes be emotional (I know you can't imagine that...), Curtis replied "well, let's pray about it." So, we did. I just assumed we would still go. Until he, a few days later, said, "You're right. I think we should be earnest in our prayers, knowing it's God's will for us to have babies and believing He'll provide. I think you should cancel the appointment." "Hmmm. Okay?"

I want to make myself perfectly clear. I totally believe in the work and minds of doctors. God has really gifted these men and women. I totally believe in seeking their help for infertility and we are still praying and open to this option. However, with each doctor's appointment I had more faith in man and less in God. This was wrong and I know we would not have been blessed.

"No good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11

This means walking by faith in Him. Certainly, seeking medical help doesn't mean you don't have faith! And only you can recognize where you are on the faith-in-God or faith-in-human-reasoning scale. I was scraping and clinging with my hands on the faith in God side, while standing on the faith in human reasoning side. This wasn't walking upright, by faith in God.

So, this is where we are. We have taken a reckless leap, clinging to the faith-in-God side, fully trusting He'll bring those promised blessings in His time. After all, He is the very giver of life. Frankly, this is exciting and super hard and scary. Yet, I feel total peace about this. Like I can finally take this huge weight off my shoulders and lay it at His feet knowing no good thing does He withhold -- including babies! It won't be easy. But in those hard times, I have to look back at His past faithfulness believing the future won't be any different. He is my rock, my fortress and He is in this with me. We are not alone. We must allow Him to stretch our faith and if that eventually leads us back to RBA, then we'll go there with bigger faith in Him who gives us life and breath!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5

"But my God shall supply all Your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

"Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning, by morning, new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me. Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth. Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside!"