Hello anxiety.

As many of you know, (...or maybe you don't know) I've been a runner for a while now. My dad was a huge runner when I was little and I have some great memories of going to watch him race. He would even take me along on some shorts runs.

The older I've gotten the more I feel like I was made to run. I know this is not all that common, but I really love to run. It's hard to describe, but it's the one activity where I feel like I can really clear my head. And when it's all said and done, I love the feeling of accomplishment and the great way you feel after a long run.

I wish today that I could go for a long run. I feel the need to just clear my head.

I don't know that this is common amongst all runners, but I get this super anxious feeling before every race. It's that butterflies in the stomach, adrenaline rush, just anxious feeling. Once the race starts and I'm off and running the feeling immediately subsides. But, I can never really explain why I get that feeling before.

That is how I feel today.

Ever since my doctor's appointment on Tuesday I've felt so overwhelmed and anxious. It has nothing to do with not being prepared. This house has never been more in order and ready! I think the battle with infertility really does something to you. Some good things and some bad.

I certainly wouldn't change the two and half years it took us to conceive our precious little Grey. Curtis and I are more "one" than ever. Praise God, He really bound our marriage and relationship together. It has also transformed our relationships with the Lord. You know that song, "I am a friend of God"? That's how I feel. Like He's really my friend. That He's always here. Never will He leave us. Never will He forsake us. He with us good, bad, indifferent.

The other, not so great, aspect of infertility is that during it you mourn the loss of a dream. I was pretty convinced that we may never have children that shared our DNA. So, when we became pregnant it was SO shocking. We literally stared at each other and the test in complete disbelief.

While I have loved every single second of this pregnancy, I guess it really hasn't hit me how monumental this answer to prayer has been. I can't seem to take it all in. I cannot believe that in 24 hours, I'm going to be holding this long-awaited love that our hearts have ached to see and touch.

I was telling Curtis this other night, "I guess I just didn't think we'd make it this far." I hate that I doubted God that way, but I did. Curtis never seemed to...and with good reason. He is mighty to save! He pulled us from the depths of despair to this joyous mountain top. It's a horrible coping mechanism that won't let you hope too much and I hate it. I want to trust God with such abandon.

But more than all of this is the overwhelming feeling of God's love for us. Easter I kept thinking, indeed we serve a living God. He is the very creator and giver of this life in my belly. The hearer of our prayers. The giver of our dreams.

Tonight we'll head to the hospital to start the process to Grey. I have the best doctor and would honestly trust him with my life! I really feel like he has and is invested in this process. During this whole pregnancy, he has arranged for us to only meet with him. I'm thrilled that he is going to see Grey into the world safely.

I think once we see that little face and hear his sweet cries, there will be such healing in our hearts. I hope that "go to" doubt will forever vanish. I can't wait!

Please pray for us. I've been so anxious today and like my running anxiety, I'm not sure why. I guess the "unknown". (This is where a run would be nice.) But instead, God is calling me to take a HUGE leap of faith and just trust. I can't control anything that will happen. But I do trust that we serve a Sovereign God and I trust that His ways are perfect.

I'll leave you with a couple of verses that have brought immense comfort over the past 3 years.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust His holy name. May Your unfailing love rust upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You." Ps. 33:20-22

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." Ps. 34:4

"Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Ps. 16:5-6

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Is. 43:1-3

We serve a mighty God, whose love for us cannot be measured or understood. Praise the Lord!

Make room for baby...

Here is our little guy's room. Unfortunately, it's not finished. The curtains are being made as I type. Can't wait to see those up! Also, we've got another crib coming. This one was losing it's stain. So, the mattress and bedding aren't in it. But, you'll get the idea.

That is Gus on the changing table. He loves this room and I think he thinks we made it for him. Before you type out a long message about how cats shouldn't be in the room, know that he normally isn't and he certainly won't be once Grey gets here.

This dresser was my grandmother's, then I had it. Mom did a great job painting it!! Now it just needs the knobs...

Don't you love these jars? I found them at Crate & Barrel. Ashly has cute jars on her changing table area and I thought it was the cutest idea.

The changing table/dresser. In the bunny cabinet is Grey's dirty clothes bucket and in the drawers are diapers, wipes, sheets, blankets, etc.

I wanted to showcase some of the super creative gifts we got. I have seriously loved every gift we've gotten.

Mom bought this picture (Psalm 23) and made the frame.

Summer gave this to me at my shower. Don't you love it?!!!

Debbie Russ gave this to Grey at his shower. I absolutely love it! It has a little music box inside you can wind up.

Chelsea made this for Grey... I mean, how creative is she??! It's all Bible verses and prayers for Grey. So, so sweet!
These are all the super cute burp clothes Grey got. I love them all! Kim gave me the one with the blue initials. Within that gift, are a bunch of onsies with his initials and name. You'll see those on Grey soon! :) To the left of that, is one given to Grey by my friend Meg. It matches the cutest john john outfit. The rest were made by the super creative Christi Dorsey! She needs to open a store!
She also made me this great bag! I am actually a bag freak! I love bags. This is perfect for church!

Then, she made him this great tote! Don't you love it!!

Lastly, this boy is going to be one best dressed baby! I can't fit much more in his closet!

We have been so blessed with the sweetest gifts for Grey. I promise thank you notes are coming this week! :)

Much ado about nothing...

I was talking to Curtis last week and he asked me a pretty pointed question. “Why don’t you post anymore about what the Lord is doing in your life?” The question kind of caught me off guard. I knew my posts had turned a lot more informational, but I hadn’t allowed myself much time to think why. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it’s a couple of reasons.

Fear. Not fear to post about what the Lord is teaching me, but that I feel like I’m constantly battling a spirit of fear. Honestly, it’s a fear that something is going to happen to prevent me from knowing a healthy, living Grey.

Second reason I haven’t really posted is because I haven’t really felt like there was really anything to share. During our infertility, the Lord was pouring down words of encouragement through His Word. I felt like I was learning something new every time I opened His Word.

But I was wrong to think, that this time during my pregnancy with Grey, He wasn’t also trying to teach me something. When Curtis asked me that question I realized what exactly the Lord was trying to teach me.

Being still, knowing that He is God, He’s in control, and resting in His arms. Just simply trusting and thus, resting.

There is such a stigma on the word fear, isn’t there? I find that in the Christian world very few people will admit to being fearful…especially if you believe that God is Sovereign and in control of all things.

Why is that? After all, we are all human and bad, unexpected things do happen. Is it because in the Christian community we are often too quick to counsel someone, “don’t worry, God’s in control” like it’s a slogan for a park at Disney? Could it be that too often we really don’t want to hear someone’s fears for fear that we’ll have to know too much, get involved or see them through to a better resolution?

I’m here to admit that for the majority of this pregnancy, I have really, really battled fear. However, I have not lived in a state of fear by God’s grace! I recognize that those fears are not of Him and claim His promises over Satan’s lies. But they do still surface.

I think that’s the mix up. Fear is going to arise. The turning point is – what are you doing with that fear?? Are you wrapped up in it? Living in it? Being it? Or do you recognize it for what it is and recognize God for how much BIGGER He is than that fear?

What are you fearful of? What constantly worries you? I want to encourage you to dig into the Word and claim God’s promises over your fears. Turn that fear into a specific prayer request. For example, “Lord, I pray that you would sustain Grey’s life in my womb, so that I might celebrate his life, hear his cries and teach him of this mighty God who made Him!”

Are you around others who remain fearful? Don’t be so quick to give counsel not to worry. Instead, take time to pray for them specifically, encourage them in God’s promises to His people.
In some ways the label of “Christian walk” implies that you are constantly moving, constantly attaining new promises…just never standing still. That is actually not true. I’ve found that, I’m not always “moving” in my walk. There are times when the command is to be still, seek Me and learn this principal. Really learn it.

This is where I am. I really feel like trust is something He’s really wanting me to seek from Him and learn. I have not even come close to mastering it, but I’m leaning further and further into Him and finding tremendous peace there.

I want to leave you with some great prayers of scripture from Beth Moore’s book “Praying God’s Word”.

Father, so often I feel like the boy’s father who first exclaimed, “I do believe!” then in a flood of sincerity cried out, “Help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) Please help me overcome my own unbelief, Lord, so I can start taking You at Your Word.

Father, I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that I may know the hope to which You have called me, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power for us who believe! (Eph. 1:18-19)

Father God, according to Your Word, without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to You must believe that You exist and that You reward those who earnestly seek You. (Heb. 11:6) Lord, I want to please You. Build faith in me so my life will honor the life of Your Son.

If you feel comfortable enough, feel free to post your fears and I’ll be honored to pray over those. …or you can email me at sarah.jefferson@comcast.net.

“Faith never denies reality but leaves room for God to grant a new reality.”
-Jim Cymbala

36 Week Grey Baby Update...

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and had a fantastic appointment. He startled Dr. H with his wild kicks when he was measuring my belly.Grey is apparently quite snug in his belly house. So, I've been trying to walk everyday to try and help speed things along naturally. My walks aren't all that brisk, but I'm doing the best I can. Poor Lilly thinks they are so boring.

We're still looking to have an induction date of April 9 or April 15. I'm really pulling for the April 9 date!

So, I had a bit of a scare yesterday. I didn't feel like he was moving as much as he normally does. So I went back to the drs. office and they did an ultrasound. It did wonders to relieve my mind when I saw sleepy Grey's heartbeat! Grey finally started moving around when I got there. At one point I felt stupid, but then I didn't care. Better safe, than sorry.

The ultrasound was really great. Grey is looking SO cute! He cheeks are so chubby!! And he was pretty dramatic. First, he was sleeping with his little arm over his head, then he moved it and laid it over his eyes. We got to see him sucking and drinking in fluid...which of course is great since that fluid helps develop his lungs. We absolutely can't wait to meet Grey!

In other news, Grey is estimated to 6 lbs 12 oz. already. I realize that these things can be off; however, he's been measuring a little ahead each ultrasound so I'm thinking there has to be some truth to it. If he continues to grow at this rate, an average of 1/2 lb. a week, we're looking at having at least an 8 lb. baby....eek! Well, we knew it was possible since we were both big babies. Hopefully, it's not true that babies are an average of their parents weight; otherwise, he'll be around 9 lbs. 3 oz.

Here's a great shot of those cheeks! Can you stand it?? I have to kiss on those cheeks!

Anyway, everything is ready on our end. Please keep praying for a safe delivery of this sweet little guy!

33-week update!

Today marks 33 weeks! It's really starting to hit me that we're getting close to the end. I'm SO excited too! Each day is just one day closer to seeing this little dream baby. I cry watching almost every birth show on TV imagining how indescribable that moment will be for us.

I'm going to the doctor now every two weeks. I went last week and had a great visit! Grey's heartbeat was really strong and he received another A+. He's such a good little student! ;) I've gained a whopping 27 pounds. Yikes! Good thing I really don't have a sweet tooth right now! I go back to the doctor next week and begin the lovely exam process. Maybe this is odd, but I'm looking forward to these visits simply to hear that progress is being made. I know some of you are thinking, "Poor girl. Little does she know that there will probably be very little progress until the end." I totally recognize that, but I'm interested to see just how low he is.

Throughout my entire pregnancy I've carried really low. Lately, I've had really horrible pelvic bone pain. Not only pressure, but pain in the front of that bone. So, he's there. As I've written about before, my doctor is planning to induce about a week to a week and a half early. Depending on how things are progressing. Grey is still a little big and he's got his daddy's head to boot, so I'm thankful we're going to be looking at the situation closely. Honestly, anything past 37 weeks is fine with me...so long as his little lungs are ready.

Next week is my last week of work. Hallelujah! Being on my feel was killing me.

Please pray for me and Grey in the coming weeks. I'm feeling pretty anxious about the birth. All first-time mom stuff, I suppose. We did do a birth class and while it helped in some areas, it gave me about a million things to over think. I just keep reminding myself that millions of women give birth everyday. I can do this. And I actually have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I'm not sure where the worry comes in other than just worrying about Grey. Speaking of, please pray that his lungs are developing as they should and are ready at "go time". We're also praying that there are no space or cord issues as he gets bigger. The last one, but pretty important is that he holds that first poop in until after he comes out. I just really want to be able to bond with him right away. So, anything that keeps him out of the nursery is great!

Grey is still an excellent kicker! In fact, during our birthing class he was being a little class clown. He was going wild! He either loved all the oxygen from the "deep cleansing breaths" or he HATED it. Either way, my belly was all over the place. What was even more crazy is that other couples were watching my belly move all around. He kicked and kicked and kicked the entire class. None of this was really out of character for him. All fun though! I love to feel his movements!

So that's about all for now. I promise I will post room pictures. Our camera died...which is perfect timing to get a new one. Better now than realizing it in the delivery room!

Maternity Photos!

Yay! I never thought I'd see the day where I would have maternity shots! What a mighty God we serve! I know there aren't a lot of women that are into maternity shots, but we waited a long time and prayed forever for this sweet miracle and I really wanted to document it well.

Let me begin by saying how awesome Jason Pendley Photography is!! If you live in the Atlanta area -- call him!! He is SO creative and will capture your "event" perfectly! Enough said.

Curtis and I affectionately call my belly "Grey's belly house". So without further adieu, I present "Grey's Belly House"...

This picture has a lot of meaning: the first shirt "worth the wait" was given to me by my dear friend Becca. Without her I don't know if I would have survived the wait! The Tech shirt was Curtis' when he was a baby. And, the last shirt says, "For this child we prayed and the Lord heard our prayers!" Amen!!

Mommy and Daddy comparing bellies!

Do you see the outline of a little someone's leg above the "n"?? He's a long boy!

Love this silhouette picture!

Looking at sweet baby Grey.

"Whatcha doin' later??"

Praise God for big bellies!

Showering Baby Grey...

Last Sunday, my girlfriends hosted a shower for me and Grey baby. It was so fun! Baby showers in general are just so fun and exciting.

A lot of people came out and it was so special because so many of these friends had been praying for Grey long before he was ever conceived. It was a little surreal because even though I feel Grey moving inside, I still find myself so shocked and surprised that he's really coming. Everyone was so generous and I got a lot of great, really creative gifts.

This is Macy Brooks, my friend Ashly's sweet miracle baby. We just know Grey and Macy Brooks will end up married! So here's one for their rehearsal dinner of Macy Brooks telling Grey to come on out of his belly house!! ...and she didn't come shirtless...she was in the middle of a costume change! :)

My sweet hostesses: Summer, Ashly, (me), Debbie, Kim, Adriene, Judy, and Jan (not pictured). All long-time friends!

This is a shot of some of my friends that came. I'm sad we didn't do this when everyone was there... some had already left at this point.

Tiffany gave me this most creative gift. On one side it says, "Daddy's lil yellow jacket" and on the other side it says, "Mommy's lil bulldog". So perfect!! Doesn't that look like the perfect side for the floor??

I know their aren't a ton of people that dress their boys in monograms and sweet stuff like this, but Grey will be! I grew up with boys in smocked and monogrammed everything. They're only babies once, so I'm going to live it up! My sweet little niece, Faith, gave this to Grey. Can't wait to see him in it this fall!

One of my long-time friends, Chelsea, and her newest addition Kendan. What a sweetie he is!

Last, but certainly not least, is Grey's adorable cake! Have you ever noticed that really cute cakes often aren't that tasty? NOT the case with this cake. Oh my gosh, it was SOOO yummy! Good thing most of it was gone...

One of my favorite gifts, I don't have pictured, is a book with little notes of encouragement or prayers for me and Grey. Ashly had all the guests fill out a little note and she put it in a book. Such a great, sweet gift that I can't wait to show Grey one day!

Thanks again to everyone who came! It was such a great time to celebrate this wild, kickin' miracle!