Tower of Darkness

I was coming home from a girls night out last night -- which was so much fun! I'm seriously blessed to have some great, Christian girlfriends. On the way home I was listening to Mac Powell sing "Restore To Me" from Psalm 51. Part of the song really hit me as such truth for how I feel right now.


Deliver me from this tower of darkness.
Through the pain and brokenness
And I will sing of your loving kindness
And of your righteousness
Restore to me
The joy of your salvation
Restore to me
The wonders of your love



I couldn't help but weep. That's exactly how I feel. Like I'm trapped in this tower of darkness and infertility. I long for the day when I will sing of God's blessings and mercy because He has given us a sweet little baby. But you, know what? I'm supposed to praise Him now, in the midst of this pain. I'm not supposed to be in a holding pattern waiting on His blessings. After all, He saved me from the chains of sin and death -- and frankly, that's enough.

I know this in my heart, but it's still hard to praise Him in the valley. My friend Laura blogged about this verse today and it really speaks about this continual state of praise.

Psalm 34:1-7
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. 2 My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. 3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together. 4 I sought the Lord and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. 5 They looked to Him and their faces were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. 6 This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, And saved him out of all his troubles. 7 The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, And delivers them.

I'm not going to lie or pretend to be strong. I'm a little fearful of Sunday. Mother's Day is a long and hard day for those dealing with infertility, loosing babies or moms. Over the last couple of years, Mother's Day has proven to be a tough day for me. I love celebrating my mom's life. I have been blessed beyond measure to have my mother. Yet, I'm sad I don't have babies who know how great their Sassy is.

I saw a church sign yesterday that said, "Mother's are special! Come celebrate with us!". Mother's really are special. So special in fact, that there is tons of scripture to support her vital role. This is one of those holidays that either applies to you or it doesn't. There is no gray area. And for me, it still doesn't apply.

Psalm 51:1-2, 5-8, 10-12, 15-17
Have mercy on me, O God,
According to Your unfailing love;
according to Your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.


Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely You desire truth in the inner parts;
You teach wisdom in the inmost place.


Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.


Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
and great me a willing spirit to sustain me.


Oh Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise.




Father, You alone are Holy. You alone are sovereign over all things. Father, thank You that Your love for us endures forever and Your mercies are new each morning. Lord, I pray for my friends dealing with infertility this Mother's Day. It's such a reminder of a deep, painful longing unfulfilled, Father, and I pray that You would pour out an extra measure of grace to them. For my sweet friends who have babies in heaven, Lord Jesus, comfort them -- give them a peace that transcends their pain. Father, for those friends pregnant and carrying babies, cause them to have healthy, full-term pregnancies. We long to hear their sweet cries and will be sure to give You all the praise. Father, I also pray for patience and love for my friends who are mothering small children. I also lift up my friends who have had to deal with the pain of loosing their mother. Father, we need You to dwell among us. Give us ears to hear Your sweet whispers of love and eyes to see You in the midst of this fog. Shield us from insensitive comments from those who may not think before they speak. Father, You are bigger than all these issues. Trusting is SO hard when you're hurting. Yet, You are El Saddai: God all sufficient -- show us Your sufficiency this day. Jehovah-Jireh: the Lord will provide! Selfishly, I look forward to Your provisions! Jehovah-Rophe: the God who heals -- heal these husbands and wives physically, emotionally and spiritually and bind us together by Your love for us. Jehovah-Shalom: the Lord our peace -- thank You for the peace You give us. Jehovah-Shammah: the Lord is there -- thank You that You never leave us or forsake us -- even in the tough times. I love You and trust Your will for my life -- even though it's not my plan. Amen.

A Couple of Quick Funnies...

Two stories...

Guess what? I'm not the hugest fan of rap music. I know this may come as a surprise, but it's true.

Last night Curtis and I went to eat at La Parilla for Cinco De Mayo. We pulled in and there was a HUGE celebration going on. I mean, they had part of the parking lot roped off and a DJ playing super loud music. (It was so loud, I couldn't wait to get inside! I just thought we'd see a live mariachi band, but whatever.)

I jumped out to put our name in and there was the most hilarious rap song playing called Stanky Legg. (I've done a little research on this song...that's the only reason I know it has two g's.) The song over and over says, "Do da stankly legg, do da stanky legg, do da stanky legg". As you might remember, music has huge meaning to me. I really pay attention to the words of a song. So finally I looked at Curtis, like the naive gal that I am and scream over the music, "what is 'do da stanky legg'? What does that even mean?!?!?" Of course he didn't know, which actually surprised me. He works with a lot of young Tech grads that keep him abreast the latest music and lingo.

Some friends of ours arrive and were privileged to hear this great song too. And I posed the same question...still screaming, "what in the heck does 'do da stanky leg mean?!?!?'" The wife couldn't hear and screams back, "did you say stinky leg?" "No," I replied emphatically sounding it out. "Stan-ky. It's stanky legg! Not stin-ky."

So, today at work I knew some of the college-aged, club going gals could enlighten me. After all, they are forever laughing about how I don't know all the slang. Seriously, I'm totally out of the loop to how kids talk these days. I always say "I'm sorry, what? What does that mean?" Once it's explained I often say, "why not just use regular ole' English?" This is apparently really funny. Whatever.

Anyway... I say, "I have a bizarre question for you. Last night Curtis and I went to dinner and the DJ was playing this crazy rap song 'Do Da Stanky Legg'. What does that mean?!?!?" After she stopped laughing she replied, "it's a dance." And explained, "you stand on one leg and basically do clockwise leg circles and 'grind' at the same time." Another associate overhears and seriously ponders the conversation and asks totally seriously, "Mmm hmm, that's interesting. Now, do you do this dance alone or do you need someone to 'grind' on?"

It was too funny. So there you have it folks. "Do Da Stanky Legg" is apparently taking the clubs by storm!

...And I feel super old!

---

As you know, we just got back a couple of weekends ago from seeing Jake in Columbus, Ga. Mom went and bravely took along all five grand kids. In an effort to make the morning more efficient, I rallied the kiddos to take their showers before bed. They quickly rattled off, "I'm first!!" "I'm second!!"...

One by one, they went in and out. One of the boys was heading in empty handed. I say, "where are your pjs?" He says, "I don't need any. I'll just put my clothes back on." "Ewe!" I replied. "No, the point of showering is to get clean and then put clean clothes on. Go get some." He comes back down and I was near the linen closet. So I say, "here's your towel". He quickly scoots past me before I can give him a wash cloth. I say, "Wait! Here's a wash cloth." And without a thought he replied, "Naaa, I'm good." "What???", I reply. And again he naturally replies, "I don't really do wash cloths." So I said, "Well, okay but just so you know one day you're going to be interested in girls and they'll want you to do wash cloths and put clean clothes on after you shower. Just promise me you won't wait until your married to get to that point. Okay?"

I'm sure the thought went through his mind, "Silly Aunt Sarah...clean clothes and wash cloths. She's crazy."

I didn't see the first boy come out before the next boy jumped in. Remember, I was the one handing out towels. So, I just assumed he helped himself. Note to self, never assume with boys. The bathroom door swings open and I comment on how I like his pjs. He says, "thanks, but I'm soaking wet." Perplexed I ask, "why?". And without skipping a beat he replies (like I'm the idiot), "because I didn't have a towel!!!" I of course asked, "Well, why didn't you ask me for one?" All too quickly and in such a way only a boy could reply to something that simple, "well, I didn't know!" Baffled, I said, "Oh, well. Going forward, feel free to ask for a towel when you go shower."

He didn't know to ask for a towel when he went to shower and he's in third grade. I'm scared.

People, do you see what I see???? It's in their nature! Why on earth do we think boys/men are capable of seeing the obvious when clearly they are not?

Ah, geez.

"You were right, we were wrong!"

Remember in my last post that I said, "there are no words to describe April"? Well, when you read this you'll further understand why!

Remember that Cigna was denying my HSG, after they said they would cover it? Well, let this be a word of hope to NEVER give up. I wrote the best letter of my life and God did a work through those words!!

We got an email this week that has never sounded so sweet to these ears!

"We accept full financial responsibility for giving the patient incorrect coverage information."

This is a HUGE, H-U-G-E, HUGE praise!! Especially since we've contributed more than our fair share to the economy by way of home repairs/clean-up this month. Let's, just put it this way -- the economy ain't hurtin' because of us!

Can you believe this?!? Frankly, I knew they knew they were in the wrong. In fact, three people that worked for Cigna said my account detailed that they made an error. But, I certainly never thought they would admit to it. This is ground breaking! I just assumed they would say, "yeah, we made a mistake...that's tough luck for you. Now, you still owe $3K!"

Thank you so much for your prayers for us concerning this. For some reason I can't seem to make our money tree grow as quick as we would like! Maybe it needs fertilizer...

"Are you kidding me?"

"No I'm not."

These were the short lines Curtis and I exchanged Sunday night as we attempted to pull into our driveway on the way home from Columbus, Ga.

"Why?", you ask?

See below...















Yes, that is the only remaining brafford pair tree left in our yard. (The picture makes it look little but trust me, it's not.) And yes, it split down the middle. Yes, it was one week after our basement flooded. And no, not one single neighbor bothered to call us with a heads up. And yes, it's expensive to have a tree cut down, stump ground and hauled away!

All we could do was laugh. Laughter is so necessary in these situations.

Want to know something even funnier? We got home at 11:30 p.m. and Curtis had to fly out the next morning at 8 a.m. for four days.

Great! Just how I wanted to spend my day, negotiating -- like I actually know what I'm doing and saying -- with someone to cut the tree down and haul it away! Yay for me!!

Even better, Curtis' car was stuck in the garage and I couldn't take him to the airport because of my work schedule. So, he turned the car around on the driveway to drive down the yard. When he went to back up onto the side driveway/basketball court....

Crunch!

That my friends was the sound of someone backing right into the house and gutter ... that we just had painted. "Awh, geez!"

There are no words for this month...

And, no, I'm not kidding!

"I can do this!"

This past weekend, we drove down to visit Jake at Ft. Benning for Family Day. Basically, the guys were allowed to have family visit for the weekend. They couldn't spend the night away, but they were allowed to be with us from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Saturday and 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. Sunday.

This was the such a great weekend! I can't begin to tell you how great it was to see Jake. I don't think I had fully realized how much I missed him being here. We have always been really close, but we had gotten much closer since I moved back to Atlanta in '05.

The weekend began with a brief meeting of the Drill Sargents with the family and then the guys were "released". It was so emotional seeing him all dressed in his formal attire! He looked so different. Not only because he's lost at least 20 or 25 lbs, but he just looked so focused and "manly".

We rented one of the cabins there on base and it was great. Mom and all five grand kids -- three of which are Jake's kids -- Curtis and me all stayed together. It was a hoot. (I'll post funny side stories later.) We grilled out, played whiffle ball, kick ball, and just spent time together.

Jake has really changed -- all for the best! Like I said, he's so focused. His whole demeanor has changed too...he's so much more in-tune to the kids, really mellow ... it was hard not to just stare at him.

He told us a lot of unbelievable stories of life in boot camp. They have a lot of hard work coming up before their graduation in May. This week they have an 11 mile march with 65 lbs on the back! Next week is a 12 miles march carrying the same 65 lbs. Week after -- 26 mile march, with 65 lbs and a week in the woods! He said his feet just get numb after a while and that he has nerve damage on his shoulders from carrying his pack...as in he can't feel the front of his shoulders.

Good news is that Jake is really making a name for himself and setting himself apart as a leader. He's the company leader, meaning his over 50 guys and has to make sure they're ready for standards. Also, it's a big deal whoever is chosen to lead the group in marches or personal training (PT's) tests and Jake is the leader! He said being in front is a lot easier than being 50 guys back.

If I tried to explain how proud of him I am, I don't think I could do him justice. When a lot of guys are just going through the motions to get out, Jake has forced himself to have a great attitude and do his best.

I said to him, "I bet before those long marches you get that feeling like 'I don't want to do this.'" He replied, "If I'm going to make it to the end, I can't have that attitude. I have to get really psyched up, jump around and say, 'I can't wait! I can do this! I can do this!!" Whoa. I bet that does make a difference. I was so convicted. I should have that same attitude about the hard things in my life..."I can do this!".

Jake said he will most likely be deployed to Afghanistan or Iraq. "WHAT?!?!" This was really hard to hear. Mainly, because Jake is training to be in the center of the "action/danger". This is going to be hard not to worry about.

Anyway, it was a great visit. I couldn't help but cry when we were hugging goodbye. I'm so proud of him! I hate that he won't live around us again for a while but I'm trusting that God is going to protect him.

Would you commit to praying for Jake? Like I said, he's got a really tough couple of weeks coming up and I feel burdened to get him covered in prayer. I've listed below a couple of ways you can pray for him specifically. I've also printed up the picture of him with his three kiddos to send out as a prayer reminder ... hoping people will put it in a place where they'll remember to pray for him. For example, near the sink while you wash dishes, in you Bible while you do your quiet time, on the mirror while you're getting ready, etc. If you would like to commit to praying, simply post a comment here (if I already have your address) or email me (sarah.jefferson@comcast.net) and I'll send you a picture out.

Prayer specifics:
- physical protection from injury
- full recovery from all the physical work
- complete rest and restoration when he sleeps
- the sometimes terrible food would nourish his body (I can't imagine how many calories he's burning in a day!)
- to stay strong mentally to get through to the end of the marches
- for the upcoming 26 mile march and week in the woods
- acceptance in RIP (ranger training that he REALLY wants to get into)
- he really wants to be based, in the beginning, out of the base in Washington state (I think it's Ft. Lewis)
- **Ultimately God's will for his training and future placement**
- he would feel the Lord's presence their with him
- he would continue to set himself apart from the others and be a leader
- Pray for his kiddos (Will, Faith and Sarah Kate): it's hard to wrap their mind around all of this and go so long without seeing him

I'll update his specific needs as he makes those known to us!

Thanks in advance for covering him in prayer!

Jake with Will, Faith and Sarah Kate

Jake and Sarah Kate: how sweet is this picture?

Jake and Faith

Playing kick-ball

Jake managed to kick the ball in a pine tree.

Whiffle ball

Mr. Athletic himself giving me advice... or was he saying in his announcer voice, "A swing and a miss"?

Answers

Today, Curtis and I went to our first consultation at Reproductive Biology Associates. I know what you're thinking and that's why I hesitated to even blog about it.

I thought you said you guys weren't going to go.

You're right. I did say that. That was before last week. As you know, I was on my second month of clomid. I was experiencing a lot of crazy symptoms. I won't go into details because they're a little too...well, personal. L-o-n-g story short, we had to go to the doctor last week because they weren't sure if I had a miscarriage or what the side affects were caused by. I had to have an internal ultrasound and complete exam. End of story, no baby. We were told, "within the realm of possibility that you had a miscarriage or could be an affect of the meds."

For those of you that read and haven't ever experienced any kind of infertility, let me try to explain what this does to your psyche. Each month you live with the hope that this will be the month. This will be the cycle. This will be the symptoms that actually pan out to show a positive pregnancy test. This is all well and good, but when it's like this month after month for two years -- it's exhausting. Mentally, physically and spiritually.

While sitting in Dr. H's office, he was very frank. Something I love about him is that he's not afraid to give you news you don't want to hear. "You guys aren't going to get pregnant on your own." This cut right through to my heart. I know that and I didn't want to hear it again.

I want to know why! Why not? Nothing is wrong. Every thing comes back "normal"..."within normal range"...the ultrasound tech actually said, "every thing looks great!" I wanted to scream, "looks great, you're pregnant or looks great, you're not pregnant -- someone tell us something!"

Curtis and I got in the car to go home and almost in unison we agreed, "RBA, here we come." We cannot go on thinking and hearing everything is fine, when clearly it's not.

We sat today with a fantastic doctor today that took the time to explain to each of us his thoughts, his plan and direction. It was the hugest relief! You know why? Because things aren't normal. This is a praise!! Just as I suspected, he agreed it's not normal to try to get pregnant for two and half years unsuccessfully! (Medically they use our anniversary since I haven't been on birth control since we got married.) Like I thought, he also thinks I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome -- something my other doctors too quickly ruled out because I'm skinny.

A friend of ours sent Curtis an email last week saying, "Our prayers are often answered through the skills and actions of other people." Have you pondered that? We are in fact His hands and feet.

I believed this before. Being a doctor takes God-given talent. No ordinary person could retain that much knowledge. But, I was being stubborn. I wanted God to answer our prayer for a child my way. I don't want to go to an Reproductive Endocrinologist to do what most people do without any thought. I don't want to be the exception to the rule. I don't want to suffer through this horrible longing unfulfilled. I hate the questions from strangers about "when we're going to finally give in and have kids".

But you know what, this is what God choose for me. I don't know why and probably won't know why. He didn't ask me what I wanted. In fact, He knew infertility would be part of my life when He created me. Do you know that even with this label, I am still fearfully and wonderfully made? He doesn't look at me as incomplete or unable. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.

And following His will isn't following my will for His will. It's tearing up my itinerary, forgetting my will and doing what I don't want to simply because that's what He's asking -- to trust Him, where He leads.

So that's where we are now. Trusting and prayerfully considering next steps. We're not rushing into any treatments and frankly the doctor doesn't foresee that as necessary. A lot of testing has to be done. For now, I'm on metformin to help with PCOS and baby aspirin to help with blood flow. Clomid will come back in the mix in the next month or so.

I'm just glad to have someone "on the case" who is as invested in helping us get pregnant as we are. Curtis and I left with such a peace. No, we're not pregnant but we're getting answers and we've got the best of the best as our doctor.

This is enough. This a praise!

Home "Sweet" Home

Curtis and I spent the weekend down at my parents place in Moreland. It's just a little further south of Newnan...heaven. Every time we go there Curtis and I fall in love with the slower pace of life, undeveloped area and country feel. This weekend was no different.

We took Lilly down to play with her mom, sister and friends. She had a good ole time!

Lilly playing in what we hope to be our front yard!

Kate, Lilly's mom.

Don't you love him? This is Gen, Dad's dog and Lilly's boyfriend, with his tongue out. He is seriously the happiest dog you'll ever know!

After spending the weekend fantasizing how we would love to build down there, Curtis and I came home to the "best" surprise...a flooded basement! Yay! Do you know how many hours I spent finishing that basement into the "man room"? Do you know how much paint I painted on those walls, the sweat and work that went into that room?? There isn't even space here on this blog to explain it. If you do your own home stuff, you know.

Sunday, I got home and noticed a little water in front of the freezer drawer. (We have a bottom freezer drawer.) So I opened the drawer and literally 10 or 12 gallons of water came flooding out and rushed down the hallway. All I could get out was, "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh." I flew up the steps to retrieve every towel up there. Wasn't enough. I flew down to the basement to retrieve every beach towel we own. "Ahhhhh!" Water was everywhere down there. Running down the walls, behind the electrical sockets, the drop ceiling was falling in, the carpet was soaked. "This is not happening." Curtis was still down at my parents. (I had to come home for work.) What's even more fun, I forgot my phone. Oh, and did I mention we don't have a home phone. Who needs one of those when you have a cell phone two hours away!!

I fly over to my neighbors house to use her phone. Not home. Run over to my other neighbors house and borrow her phone. She was so kind to just give me her cell phone to use. Called Curtis and tried hard not to burst into tears. Thankfully, his mom called his sister and brother-in-law to help me out.

Moral of the story, a broken ice maker arm is a BIG DEAL! Basically, it kept tripping the ice maker to pour in water to make ice...all weekend. The water drained out of the bottom of the refrigerator, through the floor, into the basement.

Curtis and Brian ripped all the carpet out. Why you ask? Oh, this is the second flood we've had in the basement. I know, fun times. Don't all run out at once and buy a house and renovate it! Next project, we're going to stain the concrete. Correction, we're going to have the concrete stained. Much easier clean up than drying out carpet.

As for the refrigerator, we need a whole new ice maker. Can you believe they wanted $400 for that?? The labor was more than the parts! No thank you! We'll do it ourselves. Seriously, the ice maker is held in by three screws. This girl can handle that.

Thank goodness Gus helped me find our owners manual!

Don't you love his stripes? Those are racing stripes. I adopted this guy while I lived in Charlotte and worked in NASCAR. Can you believe someone dropped him off at Waffle House?

He's even got a v-neck sweater too. Him so cute!!